Premier League / Jack Houghton / 29 December 2009 / Leave a Comment

After a less than commanding performance at the races, Jack Houghton injects some drama into proceedings as he tries his luck at football punting...

There is a truth professional gamblers hold to be self-evident: to be profitable, you must specialise. Losers gorge themselves of all that the great buffet of betting has to offer; winners only ever eat the cheese and pineapple sticks. Who knows what might be lurking in that couscous salad? Therein lies uncertainty, and winners have no truck with uncertainty.

Jack Houghton was a long-time follower of the specialisation theory. Many learned academics credit him with its invention. But now he's turned his back. August 2009. Armed with a £1,000 bank and oodles of likely misplaced confidence, he sets out to prove that, in a year, betting on everything Betfair has to offer, he can turn a profit.

*

[Scene opens. A man is perched on the edge of his sofa, watching television. He is in his middle-thirties, but looks much younger. He is tall and handsome, with an aura of raw sexuality. Almost imperceptibly, his face tightens with expectant excitement; then it drops, registering mild disappointment. The man picks up his cup of tea, walks across to a balcony and, pensively, considers the view of Guildford stretched below him. A woman enters].

Woman: How did you get on?

Man: Not great. Imperial Commander clattered the second and Kauto was just awesome. Never had a look in. And as for the Feltham... do me a favour would you? Next time I'm planning to bet against Simon Rowlands, tell me not to.

Woman: At least Eastenders was the top Christmas show, you won some money on that, didn't you?

Man: Yeah, but I still lost a tenner on the week as whole. I just can't get my sports firing. All the big wins are coming from the ephemera: Olympic Host City, The X Factor, Strictly. I'm supposed to be a sports' betting journalist and right now it feels like I might as well apply for a job at Heat Magazine.

Woman: Aw come on baby, don't talk like that. You'll get it back - you know you will.

Man: I know, I know. It's just there's so much pressure. It's those darned editorial nudniks at betting.betfair, lauding it over me every time one of the bets falls short. I just can't think straight. It's so hard.

Woman: Too much pressure huh? Maybe I can do something about that?

[The woman approaches the man from the back, wrapping her arms around his body. She fumbles to undo his shirt buttons, revealing a tanned, glistening torso. He turns inside her embrace and kisses her. The camera pans away to a view of Guildford Cathedral in the distance. With the rest of the town shrouded in brooding, rain-filled clouds, its enormous tower dominates the landscape. Fade out.]

******

[Open to same view of Guildford. A bright sun, throwing out piercing shafts of light, illuminates the scene. The woman is lying on the sofa, sleeping, with a tweed jacket draped evocatively over her otherwise naked body. The man is sitting across the room using a computer. He makes notes intermittently. He seems energised and excited. The woman stirs.]

Woman: How long have I been asleep?

Man: Long enough for me to figure things out. I think I've got it. Over 2.5 Goals in the Man United match against Wigan. It's a certainty.

Woman: I know United scored five against them earlier in the season, but haven't they been struggling with back four injury woes of late? Won't they struggle to build attacks because of their defensive frailties?

Man: Nah, the back four are back in business. They played just fine against Hull on Sunday. United are gonna tonk Wigan big style. The Betting Challenge bank is having £30 on at [1.7].

Woman: I didn't know that. You really are incredible baby. And I'm not just talking about your tipstering.

[Both giggle. Fade to scene of sweating, overweight, balding middle-aged man in ill-lit office. On his desk is a plaque that reads: EDITOR. He is reading an article on his computer. He looks worried, almost angry. His face then lightens and he smiles, nodding to himself.]

Editor: I guess you can't keep a good man down.

This week's bet:

£30 BACK of Over 2.5 Goals in Man United v Wigan match.

Post a comment

Name:

Email Address:

URL:

Remember personal info?

Comment: