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Four days of Willie and co. ... and this is really starting to drag

Jack Hougton's been forced to go the length with the BBC coverage and he's hurting. Just one more day Jackie Boy...

Clare is in the car park, explaining that Royal Ascot is all about stamina; especially on the picnic eating front. We cut to a musical montage with horses, clothes and lots of laughing people. Even the Queen is seen guffawing. What jollity.

Willie is in poetic mood, lyrically describing his hope that the "sun pokes through the little fluffy white clouds." Then he starts to mumble.

The deep-voiced Julia, dreadful puns to the fore, describes the territorial sensitivities of picnicking in Car Park One. Rather than an appealing social destination, she makes it sound like the Gaza Strip, with each spot, apparently, fought over and laid claim to. She interviews Mrs. Harrison who's, "been coming here for a wee while; 30-mumble years." The "mumble" bit is evidently a cute attempt to disguise the real figure, and in so doing, obscure her age. But Julia immediately scuppers that plan by whispering to camera that it is 36 years. I am left wondering if it would not have been more effective to say "mumble-six years", rather than "30-mumble years." After all, the "six" doesn't really seem significant; the "30" does. James doesn't "do" car parks - he is to be found in a private box.

Rishi has bumped into a girl called Lucinda from The Apprentice. There is some banter about Lucinda's unjust exit from the show and then Rishi announces, theatrically: "You're hired!"

It seems, regrettably, that Lucinda will be with us for the day. Rishi is described in various corners as incorrigible before Angus brings us an interview with Gary Wiltshire. There's talk about stretchers being required should the jolly win the first, then we are brought the non-runners; 13 minutes into the programme.

There's a brief fashion review, with James saying of one woman: "This is classic Royal Ascot. You could model her for Royal Daulton." Well you could, if you had use of a gaudy porcelain figure of a middle-aged woman at the races.

The Royal Procession focuses on some old-dude called John Nelson - the longest-serving employee in the Royal household. Clare tells us he has been an outrider on over 170 trips. There is then some discussion about the next "face of Ascot" with James, the monarchal sycophant as ever, suggesting it has to be the Queen.

There is talk of a red top-hat Clare saw earlier in the week and the resulting murmurings. James explains that top-hats were, at one point, multi-coloured, but is clear the fashion should not be allowed to return. He is very fond of the black topper and anyway, this is the 21st Century, not the Regency. He then goes on "jewellery spot", but can't see anything because of the blasted coat the Queen is wearing.

Julia is with someone who I think she calls Kate Southerton. I vaguely recognise her, but am not sure why, but it becomes apparent she might have once had Julia's job. That Julia was second-choice is not a huge surprise, that Kate was first certainly is. They reignite the heel versus no heel debate before looking at pictures of a stilton cheese hat. Kate says she's not keen on anyone wearing sunglasses. She's evidently not a fan of Stevie Wonder.

Clare starts interviewing Jim Bolger. It begins to get interesting as Clare, expertly, broaches the New Approach, will-he-won't-he, Derby participation farce. Unfortunately, Willie then interrupts, thanking Bolger for "putting the record straight", even though the pertinent questions have yet to be asked.

Bolger's horse wins the first, and he is re-interviewed, this time by Rishi, alongside the jockey, Kevin Manning. Manning borders on rudeness in the abruptness of his answers, but all I can focus on are his enormous ears; so his sullenness can't be taken too seriously. Bolger finishes the interview by saying: "Well, I don't know much about ante-post betting, as you know." It gets a big laugh from the gathered throng of journalists. It really is comforting to see our fourth estate brownnosing in this fashion. Three-and-a-half days of this coverage and I'm turning Mr Angry.

Off to the catwalk, which the crew have begun to call the "kittywalk", due to its petiteness. Fashion is not fashion without its accessories and we are treated to an interview with the jewellery editor from Vogue. James, so cutting with mere mortals, goes all reverential whenever he talks to fashion denizens, and this woman receives full flattery. Despite bleating on unintelligibly for a few minutes, James congratulates her on her good sense.

Julia is doing call-and-response with the crowd gathered round the catwalk before some models appear in some racy little numbers. There has been concern about the place of such dress at Royal Ascot, but Julia allays everyone's fear: "Don't worry, she's not going into the Royal Enclosure, she's a model." Models, apparently, don't belong in the Royal Enclosure.

There's a rather good musical montage of Yeats' Gold Cup win and I ponder how BBC coverage might fare if just consisting of Clare, Barty, the racing and musical montages. Quite well I think. Clare grabs Aidan for an interview. He talks about the team at home who underpinned Yeats' victory and then talks about the Sound of Music, which he took his family to see the night before. He loved it. Is Aidan limping? Not sure, but Clare has other things on her mind. Scuppered in her attempts to elicit crucial answers from Bolger earlier in the day, she is determined not to let Aidan go without answering the burning question of the week: who is he always on the phone to? The answer is his wife, and when not, his mum. Well folks, I told you that two days ago. For real investigative journalism delivered with integrity, stick with betting.betfair.

Frankie rides his first winner. He kisses the camera lens and Jim tells us: "That's for everyone; commentators included." Whatever you like Jim.

James, on asked what springs to mind when he hears "Royal Ascot", bellows, somewhat surprisingly: "HORSE!"

"Don't be ridiculous," chastises Julia. Quite right too, whatever next? They are talking to a girl called Rachel, who makes the Queen's hats. James and her disagree on a point of fact about how many of the Queen's hats Rachel made at last year's Royal Ascot and, despite ceding the point publicly, you can tell James believes her mistaken. But no matter; this camp contortionist talks hats a bit more, all the time swaying from foot to foot whilst placing his face and body in the gayest of positions.

Angus is attempting to talk to some members of the public (not his decision, clearly). But it all gets too much and he runs away to the safety of the rails' bookmakers.

Another Jim Bolger horse wins a race. Not realising his microphone is live, you hear him say: "It's like Waiting For Godot." What is Jim? You waiting for a winner and then getting one? Beckett's play is hardly a good analogy then is it? Because, after all, Godot never arrives, whereas you've had two winners in quick succession. Rishi avoids such issues with the safer "like London busses" simile. Manning is a little less curt this time, but you would hardly call him chatty.

Willie answers a viewer's question about bridging the reins. He is handed some cable with which to demonstrate and, for a few moments, seems to have forgotten how to do it. He makes some spurious claims about the reasons for bridging the reins, before Clare interjects with a more plausible explanation.

Mr Skinner - the man who made Willie's bespoke suit - has now joined James and Julia and they answer some more viewer emails. One viewer asks where they can buy James' book on the history of fashion at Royal Ascot. He replies that he hasn't written one, but perhaps should. It would be something to plug next year I suppose. James is chastised by one viewer for being seen wearing a hat indoors and remarkably, capitulates with a full apology. But contriteness does not come easily to James and he is soon back on the offensive, describing the "slight air of dandiness" brought about by a partial tipping forward of the topper.

There's a great segment on up-and-coming jockey, William Buick. His boyishness is discussed at length and he recounts an instance when stopped - driving his Mercedes - by the police. Rishi gets all matey with him and wants to talk girls; but Buick, admirably, bats the question away and leaves Rishi looking like the buffoon he is. The segment over, Clare is now interviewing Buick's father whilst Willie, uncomfortably, hugs his 13-year-old brother.

Charles Barnett, the Chief Executive of Ascot, makes an appearance and talks money. Things are going well, but the financial climate means things may be tougher next year. But he won't commit to a ticket price freeze and Clare doesn't push him on the issue.

Lucinda, Kate and Julia have an indulgently girlie few minutes before a bunch of old girls are paraded up and down the catwalk by a chap called Sebastian who is, apparently, "on loan from Kate." There's lots of laughing, although it's not clear about what, but everyone is certainly enjoying themselves. Julia, never one to let the search for originality taint her contributions, trots out the "You're Hired!" gag again, before handing over to James and Clare in the parade ring.

James is a little subdued. I know how he feels: this fourth day is dragging a bit and the things that seemed so marvellously jolly on Tuesday are now grating somewhat. He thinks the colder weather might have something to do with it, referring to his environment as the "rain on my parade ring."

Round-up time and Julia is wearing her "flasher-mac" - a see-through Mackintosh that James more accurately describes as shrink-wrapping.

The programme ends with Willie and Kev elaborately doffing their hats, and obscuring Clare's face in the process, before cutting to a final musical montage. The song they choose, by Rihanna, contains the repeated line: "But it's over now."

If only she were right.