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Ascot Diary: Yeats is no corking choker

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Willie gets the Gold Cup wrong but while this may be no country for old men, Yeats proves ageing horses can triumph.

Ladies' Day begins. Actually, it's not officially Ladies' Day. According to Clare, that's a "colloquialism", and so the focus will be on Yeats bidding for a third Gold Cup; rather than any girlie ephemera.

We're treated to a musical montage of Yeats' past victories, overdubbed with his namesake's poem, 'He Wishes for the Clothes of Heaven'. Stirring stuff. Clare is doing a long intro today. All is well and then, like a stoat in a rabbit hole, Willie arrives to replace order with chaos. He tells us Yeats is too old, that his legs will be tired and that Coastal Path should be favourite.

Julia and James begin their day with an artistic shot of their beautiful faces providing backdrop to two saucers of champagne. James' homeopath has insisted he avoids cheap booze, so he will only be drinking "Bollie" today. They persevere, far longer than advisable, with a strained conceit about careless riding, careless dressing and the fashion stewards, before things are handed over to Rishi.

Lisa Snowden is back and Rishi has a long chat about some programme called Next Top Model. He seems to know an awful lot about it; making more salient points than most of his racing-related offerings so far this week. He explains the significance of the Gold Cup and in response, Lisa says she will back Yeats. Rishi disagrees and Lisa changes her mind: she will now back Geordieland.

We are treated to an expert breeding discussion by Clare and Willie. They stumble with various euphemisms for "shagging", the high-point being when Willie describes Pivotal's 80 grand covering charge as being for: "the stuff that makes babies." What a charming image.

The Royal Procession ignites another fascinator discussion. The Princess Royal and Beatrice both pull them off today, although James is keen to lay down a dictum that it would never be appropriate for the Queen to wear one at Royal Ascot. God forbid.

The national anthem, inexplicably, is played twice. Clare attempts to allay panic by asking James what type of material the Queen is wearing. "Well, it's Jacquard," he snaps disdainfully, as if it were obvious. Clare's silence suggests she is still nonplussed. James is clearly disgusted he has to work with such an uneducated moron: "It's a type of silk."

The Queen is wearing black gloves which are fabulous. They, apparently, "define her wave". I would think that her waving defined her wave more than her black gloves, but who am I to question the almighty James? There's a weighty and heartfelt symposium on the "no diamonds in daytime" law, with James uncharacteristically indifferent throughout. He's not sure it applies to Royal Ascot. The intricacies of these fashion laws really are mind-boggling.

James is being terribly nice and accommodating today. Clare and him do a quick fashion review and he is positive throughout. He describes one woman's necklace as an "absolutely corking choker". Sounds like the sort of thing Max Mosely would enjoy. Clare starts to explain that James never works from notes and that "occasionally, inappropriate words may pop out." It seems there may have been complaints - for that Islamic comment yesterday perhaps? - and James is being chastised. He doesn't exactly look repentant though, although at least now we have an explanation for his lacklustre bitchiness.

Julia and Lisa do a review of hair clips and hat pins; ending with a joke about using a pair of pliers. Bizarrely, Julia produces a pair of pliers before handing over to Rishi. Or is it James. Actually Julia, it's Jim McGrath. Unbelievably, someone thinks it worth interrupting this theatre for non-runner announcements - a mere 37 minutes into the programme.

Angus interviews some rugby player called Lucy. Angus suggests that Laurence Dallaglio likes racing, to which Lucy replies, conspiratorially: "In more ways than one." I'm unsure what he is implying and can only assume he's trying to sound mysterious. That a male rugby player is called Lucy should be mystery enough methinks.

The Norfolk Stakes over and Howard Johnson tells everyone what a great trainer he is and explains that the horse is for sale. Graham Wylie doesn't look so sure, but chooses to make no public objection.

Brucie is interviewed, alongside his wife, Winnie. Unfortunately for fans of irony, she sounds nothing like a horse. So far she has had one bet - a non-runner - presumably because the BBC failed to inform her of the non-participation in time for her to reinvest.

BBC2 takes over with a re-run of the Yeats musical montage. Willie has changed his mind: he is now sure history will be made and Yeats will win. Dame Helen Mirren is collared to have a chin-wag about hat etiquette. Willie tries to flirt with her and, although doing a better job than his car crash attempts with Dame Judi Dench yesterday, it's still uncomfortable to watch. Hat etiquette apparently revolves around whether yours is a 'kissing', or 'non-kissing', hat. The rest of the segment veers from uncomfortable to excruciating as Willie, despite Mirren's protestations that her hat is definitely 'non-kissing', stretches on to tip-toes to plant one on her cheek.

Barty interviews South African jockey, Kevin O'Shea. Both are poised, insightful, succinct and articulate; which all seems a bit out of place this week.

Julia tells us the Royal Enclosure was "born" in 1845 and there is discussion of "certain" ladies with "certain" short skirts to whom unknown people take tape measures before ejecting them. It all sounds a bit fascist to me - a state of mind James is clearly comfortable with - and it is left to Lisa to explain sneaky ways to avoid failing the tape-measure-test (involving unzipping things and letting them hang). Out of nowhere, Lisa demands they talk about her outfit. It's a vintage Yves Saint-Laurent, who I thought was a jockey, but who apparently made clothes as well. Julia is keen to pay "omaaaage" to the designer, which I take to be a more enthusiastic version of "paying homage."

Jamie Osborne has been defecated on by a bird. Clare thinks this evidence of good luck to come. Lee Westwood is interviewed. He's a golfer. Clare displays remarkable off-the-cuff golfing knowledge but fails to point out how similar he looks to Stephen Hendry.

Kev tells us that both Yeats and Coastal Path look good in the paddock, and that it will be an interesting race. His penetrating insight has really made the difference to the BBC coverage this week. Rishi tells us his "French contact" (Jacques Chirac perhaps?) is very confident of a Coastal Path victory.

Yeats wins. And so does my Trixie - a punishing blow to Willbrokes. Aidan's on the phone. His interview is inexplicably different to previous days. Apparently, the July Cup is not a target for Yeats. Instead, Aidan focuses on the hard work the team has put in. Rishi tries to garner whether a fourth Gold Cup attempt is on the cards, but Aidan bats the question away expertly: "You'll have to ask the boss." No one is sure whether he means John Magnier or fashion expert, James Sherwood, and the interview ends. Rishi though is in investigative mode and seeks out Magnier for an answer. But Magnier won't speak to him. David Nagle understudies, remarking that a fourth attempt is "up to John and Aidan."

James, Julia and Lisa are talking about how designers' nerves must exceed trainers' nerves at Royal Ascot, as they wait to see their charges unleashed in public. "None of them want a Wayne and Colleen moment," according to James, whatever that means. There's a piece on the history of fashion at Royal Ascot, expertly presided over by James, with Julia and Lisa merely adding that they liked the 70s. Julia ejects a deep-voiced "groovy baby" and we are sent on our way to watch the Britannia.

We return for the latest catwalk offering. Julia gives the second plug of the week for her mum's hat-making business before some tall woman appears on the catwalk accompanied by Willie. Some people sing Happy Birthday for her and Willie - clearly buoyed by all that breeding talk from earlier - goes for his second TV kiss of the day. Rishi follows with another woman, who he clearly think cramps his style, so it isn't long before she is out the way and Rishi is performing a cockney-swagger-cum-moonwalk dance routine on his own. James, thankfully, isn't present. I imagine he would not have been impressed.

Angus, no doubt inspired by Rishi's antics, decides to begin his betting segment by strolling down the rails. He looks cumbersome and uncoordinated, more so than usual.

James is in the paddock again, his "hallowed ground". If it were up to him he wouldn't sully himself with visits to other parts of the racecourse, but the BBC are clearly insistent. Black and white is still doing well, but shocking pink has won the day. All the while, James tenderly clutches his microphone with both hands, close to his mouth, as if he thinks it something else altogether.

Willie does some more giggling before interviewing Henry Cecil. Willie clearly thinks he is a close friend of Henrys. Henry seems less sure and cuts things short.

Collection wins a race and Harry Herbert, racing manager for the owners, is clearly excited. "It's so hard. It's so hard," he shouts. He is talking about the difficulty of entering the winner's enclosure, rather than anything else.

The day draws to a close with a fashion round-up. James states the day has been "serendipity" - a strange choice of noun over adjective - before growling about some woman's hat: "it looks like an explosion in a chicken factory." He comments on the "sheer chutzpah of wearing shocking pink," which is apparently a good thing, before plugging some auction company that sourced Lisa's dress. These fashion types know how to work the free media.

Tomorrow is colloquially known as Friday at Royal Ascot. I'll be watching events unfold from the sofa.