A Christmas letter from Jack Houghton (he's not this sad really, honest)

General / Jack Houghton / 26 December 2008 / Leave a Comment

Our columnist pens a Christmas riposte round-robin style (and it ain't pretty)...

James competed in five triathlons this summer. Christine completed her first marathon. The family goes to the gym regularly and keeps very physically fit.

Bully for you James and Christine. I didn't compete in anything - a part from the Scoop 6 - and my family are studious in their opposition to good health. My sister did recently concede that raspberry doughnuts didn't count towards her five-a-day. But the crack habit is still a concern.

More importantly Jimbo, why should I give two hoots about your athletic achievements and the physical fitness of your family? And why are you sending me this interminable Christmas bulletin on every tiresome aspect of your perfect life?

They were very pleased to have sold their flat to their God-son Rory (capital G; presumably indicating he's the son of God). He dances with The Royal Ballet (got it) and was keen to get on the property ladder. I bet he's less keen now he realises the flat's worth 25 per cent less than what his Godparents conned him into paying for it.

It's not all good news for James and Christine though. Although happy, Mum is quite frail. But they still manage to "get her out for a run in the car." For cripes sake Jimbo, she's 92. You and Christine might like running, but I doubt Mum likes sprinting alongside a moving car with you shouting encouragement from the driver's seat.

The first sentence provided a clue as to how annoying this round-robin was going to be: "Once again we will try to condense what has been a spectacularly good year for us into a few short sentences without losing the thrill of being alive and loving our life!" That was the first exclamation mark of 18; emphasising the breathless excitement of James and Christine's idyllic existence.

There son Noel is very busy. Well he would be, wouldn't he? It's Christmas after all. Nobody needs reminding of the mess the financial institutions appear to have brought upon themselves. But thanks for reminding us about them anyway. Noel's got it under control though. His bank was able to avoid the worst of the toxic assets. And he and Barbara are being positive about things. They're a very happy couple, doting on their four cats. They enjoy camping, biking and playing board games with their friends.

Let me translate. Noel is a database engineer at a bank and hasn't the first clue about anything that isn't written in binary code, let alone "toxic assets". He's infertile, so has bought Barbara four cats instead. They enjoy playing board games, but don't have any friends with whom to play them.

Thanks for the news James and Christine. They sign it off by saying how active they remain in their local church and how much they are looking forward to the music and programmes that tell the most wonderful story ever told - the birth of Jesus, our saviour. Hallelujah.

I'm writing my own Christmas round-robin to send back to them.

Once again I will try and expand what has been a miserable and depressing twelve months into enough writing to make you think I live an enjoyable and fulsome life. Failing that, I'll increase the size of the font and include lots of pictures.

I remain determinably spiritually divest; although, just before the King George today, I'm planning to kneel in a Cheltenham-facing direction and say a little prayer to the great God of punting whilst recalling the greatest story of all - Dawn Run's miracle Gold Cup victory.