Jamie Lynch / Jamie Lynch / 16 December 2011 / Leave a Comment

Timeform Chief Correspondent Jamie Lynch looks at TV commercials and the phenomenon that is Big Buck's, before rounding off with a dream racing-related TV schedule...

Scientists have apparently discovered that watching commercial breaks actually makes television programmes more enjoyable.

As far as I can see, there are three things wrong with that declaration:

1) No they don't.
2) These people aren't scientists. A scientist is someone who works out worthwhile stuff using either a microscope or a telescope.
3) They haven't 'discovered' it at all. It takes some cojones to state outright that you've discovered something when it's basically just a theory, and a pretty flimsy one at that. Even worse when most other people believe that what you are saying isn't actually true. Now that does take some cojones. Sam Waley-Cojones.

I wonder what was quicker in the aftermath of gurglegate at Fakenham: the heat coming off the cross-country boys who took the wrong course or the heat coming off Nicky Henderson's phone as he texted 'UR ON LR IN KG!!!' to Geraghty. Who'd have thought there wasn't a single race for amateurs on Boxing Day.

The so-called scientists who published their study in the Journal of Consumer Research clearly weren't exposed to the adverts we have to put up with. What's the worst out there now? Betting without the Go Compare man, my shortlist includes Injury Lawyers 4U - 'they're real lawyers', we're promised, in the same way that these advert researchers are real scientists - and the Morrisons one, in which my one-time hero Freddie Flintoff is reduced to an oily smear by doing a 'good game' to Brucie.

All adverts, or all sets of adverts, supposedly have a target market, which is why they appear when and where they do: toys during CITV and stairlifts during Countdown, that sort of stuff. Donning my lab coat, I looked at the average content of the breaks on Attheraces. Bookmakers, Jacamo, debt consolidation companies, fast loan companies, and aftershave. I discovered that most people who regularly watch racing are perceived to be overweight, overdrawn gamblers whose reek of desperation is mildly offset by the sweet scent of Givenchy. That's disgusting. Disgustingly accurate?

By the way, I looked at Jacamo's website - for scientific purposes only and not because I needed trousers with a 60" waist - and was dismayed to see Flintoff all over there, too. Morrisons and Jacamo. How the mighty have fallen.

The irritating commercials these days are a far cry from the effective and often funny advertising campaigns of yesteryear, such as Castlemaine, Hamlet and Tango. The 'you've been Tangoed' phrase seeped into public consciousness and is still corruptly used today, including in horse racing vernacular when the need arises. 'You've been Frankelled' was a favourite of this season, as was 'You've been Ascotted' when describing a horse's inexplicably disappointing run at Ascot, and there appeared to be plenty of those.

For him to be Ascotted is just about the only hope that layers and rivals of Big Buck's have got in the Long Walk Hurdle. Big Buck's is going for his third win in the Long Walk but it will be his first ever visit to Ascot, the race having been rescheduled at Newbury the previous two years. Unfortunately for the opposition, the Ascotted phenomenon seems to apply only to the Flat, and in fact it may not apply at all, remembering the excellent research done on the subject in the summer by Simon Rowlands - now there is a proper racing scientist.

Big Buck's is one of those rare athletes in that he's so dominant in his division that we want to see what other dimensions his brilliance could extend to. Could Usain Bolt also win the 400m and/or the 110m hurdles at the Olympics? Could Freddie Flintoff also do Go Compare and Stannah? Could Big Buck's win a Gold Cup, and by that I mean the one at Cheltenham and/or the one at Royal Ascot? I'm a believer in the Royal Ascot hypothesis. Much in the same way that adverts get in the way of proper programmes, I think hurdles sometimes get in the way of proper horses, and in terms of talent Big Buck's has it in him to win a Group 1 on the Flat.

I'm sure I speak for Paul Nicholls, too, when I say that I'm delighted the Long Walk is finally coming back home to Ascot, as it will give Big Buck's some all-important experience of the track ahead of his big day next June. That's how I'm viewing this renewal of the Long Walk; not as a Grade 1 hurdle, nor as further proof of Big Buck's's's superiority, but instead as a trial for the Royal Ascot Gold Cup.

The snaking theme throughout this article has been TV, so let's end on it. Coming up over Christmas, we've got three blank days of racing which, let's face it, is going to test us all. To remedy the problem, I'm proposing a special racing-related TV schedule (with no adverts) that would hopefully fill some of the void:

08.00 The Morning Line Nick Luck presents a compilation of the best bits from the year.

08.05 The Morning Line Extra The Dubai-sponsored featurettes seguing The Morning Line breaks involving Klass and that man again Flintoff are shown back to back to make sense of what they were all about.

09.00 Bargain Hunt Jim Best takes us around the sellers and claimers of the South.

10.00 Bargain Hunt Brian Ellison takes us around the sellers and claimers of the North.

11.00 Dickinson's Real Deal BHA Handicapper Dave Dickinson offers a revealing insight into his workings of what's worth what this week.

11.30 Cash In The Attic With Howard Johnson.

12.30 Airline Jeremy Spake (he's the only one I can remember) recalls some amusing anecdotes of stewarding on certain flights from Japan to Heathrow and from Malaga to Dublin.

13.30 FILM: The Greatest Story Ever Told Frankel winning the Guineas on a loop for two-and-a-half hours.

16.00 Deal Or No Deal Featuring The Horseman's Group.

17.00 Doctor Who The new Doctor, Marwan Koukash, bids to stave off enemies on Chester racecourse.

18.00 A Touch of Frost Various clerks of the course pontificate over the prospects of racing on Boxing Day.

19.00 Frozen Planet Various clerks of the course remain upbeat about the prospects of racing on Boxing Day.

20.00 Timeteam Baldrick and the crew uncover the last time Jamie Lynch backed a winner.

21.00 Who Do You Think You Are? Bookies PR representatives justify their roles.

22.00 Dragons' Den Malcolm Denmark, Andrew Wates and Erik Penser interview candidates to become their private trainer.

23.00 Embarrassing Bodies A behind-the-scenes look at the making of the 2012 Timeform calendar.
...........
Get the Timeform Jury's verdict on Saturday's Channel 4 racing with Timeform TV Focus. Click HERE to find out more about this successful tipping service.

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