"Why do you want to learn poker?" I asked Big Carlos when I found him. It had taken me some time to locate him. He was in the ex-smoking room, which is now off-limits and deserted. He was naked, covered in chicken wings and coleslaw, as he often is. I had to clean him up, which is the least favourite part of my Betfair duties.
"I've always loved poker," he enthused. "I remember watching it as a child. I loved it. You know. All the Indian men rushing from one side of the court to the other, doing raids."
"That's not Poker. That's Kabaddi," I sighed.
"Oh."
"There is no raiding in Poker. Poker is a card game. There are many different forms of poker but the version of poker I will teach you is called Texas No Limit Hold'Em. It's the most common form of the game"
"Texas? That's American imperialism!" exclaimed Big Carlos. "We are proud Britons! We should call it Coventry Hold'Em or Hartlepool Hold'Em. We have to reclaim our collective identity." I must remember to stop him reading the pamphlets that people give him outside the tube station.
"Please shut up," I said. "And let me continue."
"The first thing to know about Texas Hold' Em is that you have two cards of your own. These are called pocket cards or hole cards. You don't have to put them in your pocket or in a hole. Just don't show them to anyone else," I explained.
"Like a magic trick?"
"Yes, BC, like a magic trick." He loves magic. He used to believe he was a dragon.
"And then five other cards are placed face-up on the table. Everyone can see these cards. These five cards aren't all revealed at the same time, but we'll come to that later. So you have two pocket cards of your own and there are five community cards that everyone can see. And each player has to make the best possible 'Five card hand' out of their hole cards and the community cards on the table. Ok?"
"Yes papa," he said. Whenever he's paying attention he calls people mama or papa.
"Wonderful. That is enough for today. Because you've been good, I have a treat for you." I pulled out a packet of wine gums and threw them into the corridor. He chased after them, running as fast as his chubby legs would carry him.