Football Food For Thought / Dan Fitch / 23 December 2008 /

It's Christmas and Dan "The Betting Man" Fitch is feeling festive...and generous. So much so that he's playing Santa and handing out appropriate presents to the Premier League's footballers.

They say that Christmas is a time of giving, but your average 8-year old won't be having a sleepless night on the 24th December, worrying over whether or not their Dad will be pleased with the socks they've bought him.

These days, Christmas is all about receiving. Since the credit crunch took hold, it's harder to buy what we want but can't really afford on the plastic, so we're lumbered with the vain hope that our relatives and loved ones will come up trumps for us on Christmas morning.

There are however, still some people around who are above the relentless consumerism of our age and genuinely prefer to give, rather than receive. One such man is a jolly bearded fellow, who makes kids' Christmas dreams come true each year.

I'm talking of course about Noel Edmunds. The former Swap Shop host can't bring himself to pass a hospice, if he thinks that there's a lad inside that might fancy a new Scalextric.

Noel truly understands the meaning of Christmas. Why, on Telly Addicts he would even wear the sort of awful jumpers bought by Aunties, that most of us would have chucked in the bin by Boxing Day.

So in tribute to the greatest humanitarian of our times, I too have decided to dish out some Christmas presents. I feel that Noel has got the sick children market covered, so I will be giving my presents out to another group of people that spend most of their time in bed, are desperate for attention and like nothing better than a strip down wash from someone in uniform. I refer of course, to our nation's footballers.

David Beckham might seem like the man that has everything, but I'd like him to have just one little present this year. It's a DVD profile of the career of Bobby Moore. I'm hoping that after Beckham has watched this, he might realise that he probably doesn't deserve to get more England caps than our nation's greatest skipper and will do the decent thing and retire. Beckham's AC Milan are currently [8.0] to win Serie A.

The boys at Manchester United have been very good this year. I'm giving Wayne Rooney an auto-cue, just in case there's a new series of Street Striker in 2009. Cristiano Ronaldo gets a guide book to Madrid, as this will be as close as he'll ever get to the city while Alex Ferguson is still his manager. United are [2.92] to win the Premier League title.

At Chelsea, Ashley Cole gets a new mobile phone, as I've heard that he managed to lose his. As Ashley has had a bad year, I've also bought him a restraining order against JLS, as I noticed that Cheryl was going a bit gooey-eyed whenever she looked at them. Chelsea are [2.3] to win the Premier League.

I've bought Steven Gerrard a specially adapted GPS system, so he can keep track on the whereabouts of his wife. Anfield's new-boy Robbie Keane gets a copy of the old Elton John single 'Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word', the message of which should help him out if he gets sold back to Tottenham in January. Liverpool are [5.6] to be Premier League champions.

Just so he can fit in better at Arsenal, Theo Walcott gets a French phrasebook. I've also bought William Gallas a book. Toby Young's 'How to Lose Friends and Alienate People' should help William to realise that even if you are extremely unpopular, it's still possible to write a book about your experience that people will actually want to buy. The Gunners are a distant [24.0] to win the Premier League.

Managers deserve presents as well. Harry Redknapp certainly deserves something from me after the job he's done since coming to Spurs. I'm going to give him the sack. This might seem harsh, but the last manager of Tottenham who got sacked has just been given the Real Madrid job. Considering that Harry has done much better than the last bloke, he'll probably end up managing Brazil. Spurs are [19.0] to be relegated.

Mark Hughes also might get the sack this Christmas, though it won't be from me. I'm not going to get him anything this year, because if he manages to keep his job, he'll get more presents than he could ever imagine (ie. His list will comprise of Stephen Warnock and Roque Santa Cruz, but Hughes is more likely to receive Paulo Maldini and Pele). City are now [15.5] to go down.

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