Strictly Come Dancing / Alan Dudman / 27 September 2010 /

Alan Dudman rates all 14 contenders on the 2010 edition of Strictly, and don't worry he's brought along his big book o' jokes for the ride...

Around about September time, I like to dust off the sequin hipsters and electric blue shirts to start shaking my thang to them fast latino grooves. Luckily, it coincides with the return of Strictly Come Dancing every year, and I cannot wait for series eight to begin with the first show pencilled in for Friday 1st October and a feast of punting opportunities.

We can look forward to another journey with a collection of nobodies. Actually that's untrue. Patsy Kensit once played the role of 'Crepe Suzette' in Absolute Beginners. So there. The question is will Patsy win it? At [30.0] I fear not. However, it is my job to run the rule over this year's contestants and potential winners whilst cracking the odd funny here and there (with the second open to much debate).

Last year's series was criticised for a severe lack of A-listers. And looking at this motley collection of 'stars' the phrase C-listers probably is unfair to the letter C. So here are the runners and riders, try to spot the star out of this lot...

Kara Tointon (odds to win [5.5], top female [2.74]): Just shading betfair favouritism at the moment and understandably so. Tointon has many positives: BBC connection, check; attractive female, check; role in Eastenders, check.
Tointon was labelled 'the tart with a heart' during her stint on Albert Square and hails from one of the most dreadful places in the world: Basildon. KT however puts the 'Bas' into 'Bas Vegas' and she looks a million dollars with her long legs and Essex tan. The 27-year-old is one to stay on the right side of and will have an army of voters due to the Eastenders connection. Although past dancers from that series have been naff. Ricky Groves, Letitia Dean, Natalie Cassidy and Jessie Wallace all failed dismally.

Matt Baker, (odds to win [6.0], top male [2.5]): Think big names. Warren Beatty, Sean Connery, David Beckham and Michael Buble. Now lower it several notches and think Matt Baker - the presenter of Countryfile on BBC One. Anybody heard of him? Nope me neither. Although he used to present Blue Peter aswell. Chris Hollins worked for the Beeb and was relatively unknown, Baker could be the new Hollins. Ie win and drift back to where he was before.

Jimi Mistry, ([6.8], [3.0]): Having starred in 'The Guru' and 'East is East', Mistry does at least have a career which is fairly current (ish) and has rapidly progressed from his time as a doctor in Eastenders (for which he was lousy). It's a pity Doctor Legg hasn't been involved in SCD as we could have compared notes (in bad handwriting).
Mistry teams up with the ultra-hot Flavia Cacace, who seems fairly pleased with her dance partner in the early practice days. Having watched his training video, he has potential and can move his hips, although rhythm leaves a bit to work on. Likeable and wiggly hips, though, are a potent combination.

Michelle Williams, ([9.4], [3.65]): Who? Ok, not Beyonce from Destiny's Child but one third of that outfit, and Williams is the less exciting ticket. She won't win it as sadly she is from the USA. The Brits like to vote for their own, and many old dears watching the Beeb will have absolutely no idea who she is (like me). Plus she is loud and annoying and has gotta go. Laying her in the top female market is a mighty attractive proposition.

Scott Maslen, ([8.6], top male [3.55]): Another of the Eastenders contingent, although Maslen is certainly the 'one for the ladies'. The actor's most memorable work was fluffing his lines during the live Albert Square epic, although his army of female followers don't care. I've been informed he is hot, so he'll have his votes. Price doesn't give much scope, considering we have yet to see any moves on the dancefloor.

Tina O'Brien, ([14.0], top female [5.5]): Corrie babe with the most gorgeous pair of eyes I have seen. She looks a million lira. Could be this season's Ali Bastian. Worth a run at inflated odds.

Goldie, ([34.0], [13.5]): DJ whose real name is Clifford Price. A largely non-descript character who hasn't done anything worthwhile for ages but still manages to pop up on reality shows. He is the self-confessed joker who has promised to go naked if he wins. I will go naked if he wins too as he has no chance. His gurning and face-pulling during training already has increased the annoyance factor.

Gavin Henson, to win [22.0], top male [9.4]: Ospreys loss is SCD's gain, with the Welsh rugby player determined to make his mark on TV. He has the look, with the tan and the pecs, but the dancing is slightly problematic - which is never a good start for a dancing programme. His training looked a bit wooden, and his face struck me as one filled with terror. In his first four training sessions he thought he would have picked up - and he hasn't. This year's Calazaghe - that's early exit material. If only he could dance like he could play rugby.

Patsy Kensit,[30.0], [13.0]: Kensit said recently in training she felt like she was '200-years-old', which wasn't too far away from my initial estimation. Her bio describes starring roles in Hollywood blockbusters, of which none spring to mind. Her recent work (and slightly more earthy) comes from Emmerdale and Holby City. Although I think her best work was with 'Eighth Wonder' and that marvellous top 10 hit 'I'm Not Scared'. The best thing to come from Hounslow in recent years but won't win.

Ann Widdecombe, to win [55.0], top female [27.0]: Absolutely no aptitude for this game whatsover. Plus she is partnered with Anton Du Beke - the world's unfunniest man. The former MP was struggling to stand up straight in training, which is no great help, and Du Beke won't be able to fling and lift Widdecombe around the floor like he did with the lightweight Laila Rouass. She will have no idea, but neither did John Sargeant and I have a feeling we could go down the same road. She'll stay in for a bit hopefully, which makes her a good trading vehicle.

Dr Pamela Stephenson, to win [75.0], top female [14.0]: Fearless and a quick learner according to her dance partner James Jordan. Out of the public eye for years according to me, and no one will care what she does.

Felicity Kendal, [10.0], [5.5]: Felicty, Felicity, you fill me with electricity. Top-notch actress, who was the nation's favourite in 1970 with 'The Good Life'. Her sweet nature could be a winner. Appearance in Dr Who is progressive form, and could be a nimble little mover. Potential for surprise.

Paul Daniels, [110.0], [34.0]: Starred in the imaginatively titled: 'Paul Daniels Magic Show' in the 1970s, so cue all magic jokes here. Daniels is 72 years of age now, and will need to be a wizard to win this. Probably less funnier than du Beke (which takes some doing).

Peter Shilton, [110.0], [38.0]: His price is virtually the same as the number of caps he collected for England during a glittering career, but one of the most agile of his generation on the pitch. Needs those cat like reflexes to succeed here, and maybe quite a few of the nine lives. Goalkeepers don't have a good record in this, with Peter Schmeichel and Jean Marie-Pfaff. Ok I made the last one up, but I've always wanted to mention my favourite ever keeper from my childhood days.

Recommended Bets:
Lay Michelle Williams in top female market @ [3.65]
Back-to-lay Felicity Kendall in winner market @ [10.0]
Back-to-lay Ann Widdecombe in winner market @ [55.0]
Back-to-lay Tina O'Brien in winner market @ [14.0]

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