Celebrity Big Brother / Alan Dudman / 04 January 2009 /

With Jamie "The Pacman" Pacheco playing M and Alan Dudman playing James Bond, the mission given to betting.betfair.com's resident Casanova was a simple one: keep a Babewatch on the female contestants in the Celebrity Big Brother household, tell us about them and assess their chances of winning. Alan Dudman's report is below...

Holland Dozier Holland, Lennon and McCartney, Richards and Jagger, Ben Adams.....

Er - Ben Adams I hear you asking? Well, the former A1 (remember them?) singer is now a songwriter and producer, and that was one of a number of things I learnt after watching the first two nights of Celebrity Big Brother.

So Mr Adams, may I welcome you into the songwriting Hall Of Fame, for all those big hits you've penned over the years, I for one - will never forget.

Luckily I do not have to write about him, nor any man. In fact my mission, which was set by 'The Pacman', was to write about the 'babes' on CBB, we'll call it 'Babewatch', and I am James Bond.

By the way, if anyone can tell me any hit or any song, or indeed anything Adams has written in his life, first prize receives an all expenses paid night out with me!

So it's the new series of Big Brother celeb style, and it's my job to assess the chances of all the females in the house this year. I love the celebrity version, purely for the fact there are no celebrities!!!

My mission began on Friday evening, and it ended on Saturday evening. A fun packed 24 hours, a time span which mirrored nicely some of the celebs careers.

With the market now taking a pretty decent shape on Betfair, it is quite clear that the women have got no chance. Verne [2.90], Coolio [7.80], Terry [8.20] and Ben [8.60] are all at the top of the market, with the most likely female trading at [17.00], that being Tina Malone.

Tina Malone:

And we'll start with Ms Malone's chances.

Now, I do not watch Shameless, so I had no real idea who she was. All I remember was that she was the fat one from Brookside, many years ago (no, not Bobby Grant).

Anyway, it seems as though this 'celeb' has actually got a career. She also has OCD, bipolar and in her words - 'everything else'.

I sadly admit to watching CBB live on E4 from about 1am onwards on Saturday morning, and from my early impressions, she actually seems alright.

Being a scouser she is typically loud, she is quite funny, has a personality, and smokes like a trooper. In fact, whilst most women wear Chanel No5, she wears Embassy No6.

She has already formed a close relationship with Tezza (or Terry Christian), which could prove to be fairly important during the early stages as he is currently head of house.

What I like about her is that she seems the most genuine, always willing to bring in other people to the conversations, and not one to talk about herself too much.

I think she is a good trade at [17.00] in the winner market as I am convinced she'll get to around half that.

Another plus point is that she is keen on cleaning and washing up! BONUS! The housemates who can't be bothered with such tasks will be keen to keep her in I am sure.

Oh and with it being called 'babewatch', we'll let Malone just slip under the radar for now.

Ulrika Jonsson:

We all remember Ulrika-ka-ka-ka. Now sadly it is a case of Ulrika ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ ZZ.

My god, how boring was she? It had taken her about a minute to mention Sven. In fact her words were: "Will Sven be in?".

In answer to that Ulrika: "No", he has a job.

Jonsson is the big draw, reportedly paid a whopping £175,000 for the three-week show, this immediately will cause problems with the other housemates as it's a figure far higher than theirs.

Bizarrely on the official website, Ulrika's job title given was 'mother'. Should that be counted as being a 'celeb'?

She has also described herself as a writer. Hmmm? Joyce, Voltaire, Daudet and Jonsson.....something doesn't quite sit right.

Many people of course know her as 4x4, I think that's because of her ability in handling tight corners and hairpen bends.

Having sat through a couple of hours of the conversations and 'getting to know yous', I can safely say the Swede has zero chance of winning. She was yawning in conversations, not interested in anyone else, and also broke off and went to bed early.

Ulrikka trades at [4.00] as top female. I can't understand this price, she is the biggest lay ever in that market. She isn't popular and neither will she be popular, with me or the public.

She also isn't as hot as she used to be and has the potential to be very bitchy too.

Lucy Pinder:

If you read FHM, Nuts and Zoo, you will be very familiar with the work of Pinder. As I don't, I had to do a bit of digging on our glamour model.

Firstly, she says she is a bit of a Tory that doesn't like thick people. Surely the Shadow Cabinet awaits?

Secondly she was voted 'Best Boobs 2007'. And at 32G, who am I to argue?

Pinder is playing a dangerous game I believe. She's a glamourmodel who is trying to come across as intelligent. I don't think she is, and listening to her rabbit on is pretty dull.

The public prefer a thickie...remember Chantelle CBB05? Beauty and brains are a dangerous combo, and luckily it seems Pinder only has the former.

Very boring, very fake and will get on my nerves, your nerves and the housemates' nerves with that irritating droning voice. And knowing women as I do, the others will be mighty jealous of her figure and her looks.

She maybe a bit of a babe, but her price of [27.00] could be doubled to give a fairer reflection.

Michelle Heaton:

Heaton's job title was given as singer. Seeing as the great Liberty X are not together anymore, I can only assume she is a regular on the karaoke down her local.

She also describes herself as a 'presenter'. Perhaps she presents the karaoke too?

Anyway, the Geordie lass is desperate to get away from the public persona of her as bitchy and a pisshead. The latter was dealt with by immediately by taking the glass of Champagne
on offer from Coolio. The former will take a while......

Classy she ain't, her list of favourites included Nandos!

She has nothing of interest to say on anything, could be bitchy, and is a big no no to last anytime at all in the house. Public won't like her, neither will housemates.

She has all the qualities I despise in these so-called 'celebs'.

Mutya Buena:

I wondered what happened to Mutya after the Sugababes, and by the looks of it, she seems to have spent the time eating since 2005.

I used to think she was quite sexy, in a naughty kind of way. Now she just looks a bit chavvy and plump.

If ever you wanted a lesson in reasons for not having a tattoo, look no further than Mutya.

The 'singer, songwriter' trades at [36.00] to lift the winner's crown. Zero solo career, zero chance.

Considered bitchy by the public when in the Sugababes, I see no reason why this should change a few years later.

La Toya Jackson:

The second famous Jackson to appear on Celebrity Big Brother, and she could be just as boring as Jermaine.

She's another songwriter, who I am sure will find it pretty hard living in the house. My god, to think of all those great songwriters living under the same roof!

Jacko obviously has no idea who anyone is, and even on the Saturday programme was asking who Tommy was. Mind you, I was doing that on Sunday as well.

LT is painfully shy and timid, not winner material and should be a lay in the top female market.

I am off now to try and get a job as a songwriter, it seems as though everyone is doing it these days.

"I love you, you love me, we all love each other.................."

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