England Cricket / Frank Gregan / 08 February 2009 /

A furious Frank Gregan offers a novel approach to dealing with the England cricket team after their humiliation against the West Indies.

When England won The Ashes in the summer of 2005 the team were paraded through the centre of London and milked the adulation of a grateful English public. Four years and 180 degrees later some radical action is called for.

The team should be flown back from the Caribbean for another parade through London, this time in a horse drawn open cart. They should be placed in stocks in Trafalgar Square and have objects thrown at them. Not stones or anything life threatening, just buns, rotten fruit and custard pies.

There has to be a way to embarrass these players because despite their inept and pathetic performances on the field they don't seem to give a damn. Andrew Strauss demonstrated the leadership skills of the fourth sheep from the back of an Exmoor flock. After the team had been bowled out for 51 he said: "My gut reaction is that there's nothing technically, massively wrong with our batsmen."

Well that's just fine and dandy then. Phew, thank goodness for that, imagine if there was something amiss with the batsmen, the team might not have reached double figures!

Their arrogance is mind boggling. At the end of day three, trailing by 34 runs and still having three West Indian first innings wickets to take, all the talk coming out of the England camp was about how confident they were that they could win the test because the Windies were going to have to bat last on a difficult surface.

They do not display an ounce of humility. The talk at the end of day three should have been about making sure that they could occupy the crease during the second innings and force a draw. A draw would have been something to build on, a reasonable start to a tough series.

It's demoralising for the folks back home who have counted down the days until the start of this series. With so much expectation deflated in one miserable session, heads really have to roll.

Let's start at the top, get rid of Hugh Morris and replace him with someone who is popular, understands the game and can bring a feel good factor to English cricket... Peter Kaye! He wears a Pakistan shirt during Max and Paddy (obviously knows a good side when he sees one) and anyone who can convince a celebrity cast to follow him to the tune of 'Show me the way to Amarillo' must possess excellent leadership skills! He's a fun guy and would put a smile back on our faces.

Strauss has to go but his replacement is more difficult to find, he has to be on the same wavelength as the players. After much deliberation I've elected to go for Coco. Who could be better than the world's most famous clown to lead this bunch of clowns!

The only bright spot is that I recommended the West Indies to win the first test at [3.7] and the series at [4.4]. Amazingly, there is still [2.0] available to back on Australia to win The Ashes series. I said in December that was going to be my major bet of 2009, it now looks like the bet of the century!

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