Frank Gregan can't wait for the start of the Ashes banter, let alone the actual action on the pitch. These Aussies may be nearing their OAP status but dismiss them at your peril....

The English cricket team is in the process of leaving our shores and heading to the sun- drenched Caribbean with its golden beaches and glorious weather. It is difficult not to be jealous but it is not sun and fun for all the members of the ECB staff. Some have to stay behind and begin the preparations for the 'big one' - the forthcoming Ashes tour.

Much has been made of the age of the Aussies and the suspicion that the tide is beginning to turn as their old guard lose their magic and their marbles! This hasn't gone unnoticed in the Marketing Department at Lords and there are rumoured to be a number of initiatives being set in place. The details have not been released but it is fun to try and second guess what they might be.

Individual endorsement deals for the Aussie players are probably being negotiated now. High up on the list has to be those advertisements which offer a free pen to the punter just for making an enquiry. Of course, no salesman will call, there is no need for a medical and as long as all the premiums are kept up to date those "final expenses" will be met in full!

Those advertisements that can be found in the back of the Sunday tabloids will most likely in the summer have a picture of a smiling and relaxed Simon Katich sporting his new pair of incontinence pants! Ricky Pointing will be wearing the new 'invisible flesh tone' hearing aid in order to enable him to keep in touch with the sledging.

Michael Hussey will have endorsed copper bracelets on all his major joints to help with the arthritis. Andrew Symonds has been offered a whole host of deals but because of his age he's forgotten them! The entire squad will be given flu jabs and eye tests courtesy of the National Health and discussions are taking place to see if they will eligible for a summer fuel allowance.

The lunch menus at each test match will have to be considered and soup must surely feature prominently. All solid food used must not lose its flavour whilst being liquidised. Electrical companies that manufacture blenders and the like are surely being approached with a view to taking a key role in match sponsorship.

It is great fun poking fun at the Aussies and indeed it is an event in itself, part of the pre-tour ritual. Our mail bag sewing cousins from down under invariably give as good as they get in the banter stakes and it is usually a fair contest before a ball is bowled. Recent history tells us (with the exception of the wonderful summer of '05) that as soon as a ball is bowled it stops being an even contest and the men of convict stock start ramming the words back down our throats.

Much has been written about the demise of the Australian side and their recent defeats in the test series against India and South Africa is evidence that they are on the wane. What hasn't been taken into account is that no matter how low the Aussies sink they are unlikely to get anywhere near the depth of despair that English cricket now finds itself in.

If Kevin Pietersen is as disillusioned with the ECB as reports suggest it could well turn out to be a very one sided event. I appreciate it is not very patriotic but I stand by my recommendation that Australia to win the Ashes is the best bet of the summer and I will be making yet another investment to my portfolio at [2.02].

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