Ashes Diary / Ed Hawkins / 09 December 2010 /

Ed Hawkins is disappointed by Australia's petulance after the defeat in the second Ashes Test and comes up with some sound advice to help with their inferiority

For a country which a few years back produced a breakfast cereal advert with a blonde cherub beaming: "I love cornflakes, but not as much as I love Australia", it is not surprising that there has been a total sense of humility failure after their cricket team lost a Test match.

Granted it was to England, their greatest rivals, and it was a humiliation by an innings and 71 runs, but the response Down Under to the setback, with still three Tests to play, has been extraordinary. Sack the captain, replace the batsmen, try new bowlers and revamp the domestic tournament. And I'm sure they would have gone for 'Bring 'Em All Home' had they not already been there.

There is no place for patriotism in punting and although this column enjoyed England's victory at Adelaide purely because of wagers placed - to win the Test and a lay of Australia to win the series - there was slightly more to it than a 'told you so moment'.

For the last 24 years an Englishman has been unable to walk the earth, or sometimes just stroll into a bar in Shepherd's Bush or Earl's Court, the unofficial seventh and eighth Aussie states, without being sniped at about the cricket.

There have been various tiresome boasts about their dominance, some more laughable than others. A particular favourite was that the Australian system - not just sport but education, Neighbours, Vegemite - bred more competitive sportsmen. It was in the water,
they said.

One Aussie chum, who has gone strangely quiet, berated me four years ago about England's poor performance, arguing that they had been beaten 5-0 because they did not do enough sledging. "Your guys aren't aggressive enough," he said.

I'll repeat now, what I said then. Australia won that series, just as they had won so many before, not just against England, as they rose to the No 1-ranked side in the world because they just happened to have two of the greatest bowlers ever seen in the same side. At the same time. It was a freakishly fortunate occurrence.

Yet they have no idea how lucky they were. Instead of recognising that the world turns and sporting domination also moves in cycles - have a look at how the West Indies are doing chaps, and they truly were the greatest - we have this hand-wringing and navel gazing.

It doesn't matter whether Doug Bollinger or Mitchell Johnson plays. Or if Marcus North is dropped for Usman Khawaja. Bring back Nathan Hauritz, too. But whatever Australia do, it won't bring back the good times. And asking an unfit, ageing Shane Warne to come out of retirement may only serve to tarnish the memories of them.

Warne, who has been voted as the saviour by about 70% of the population, spends his time playing golf and poker, bowling a few overs in IPL and advertising McDonald's lunches. There's a clue in that last one.

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