Internationals / Dan Fitch / 18 November 2008 / 1

From sharing a room with "Rain Man", to getting Michael to place our bets and bitching about Ashley Cole, the following are exclusive extracts from the diary of an anonymous England squad member, giving an inside look at the build up to Wednesday's big game against Germany.

Sunday

Meet up with the squad. As always, we all try to pretend that we don't all hate each other. This is a lot easier than normal, as Ashley Cole is not here.

Actually, quite a lot of the lads haven't made it. Wayne and Rio are both injured. At least I won't get merked this time! Joe Cole has been allowed to stay at home, because he needs to be watching telly in case his girlfriend gets off with Robert Kilroy-Silk.

We all sit down to eat dinner. Mr Capello has banned us from eating chips and tomato ketchup because he said that if we eat them we'll get fat. As he said this he looked over at Paul Robinson and all the lads laughed. Mr Capello tells us that we need to eat a healthy Mediterranean diet. I raise my hand and ask if that's what Pavarotti used to eat. Mr Capello frowns at me and I shut up.

We all go to bed. I'm sharing a room with David James, or 'Rain Man' as we call him. We're not allowed to have a Playstation in our room, because otherwise David stays up all night playing Pro Evo and then makes mistakes like he did when he was at Liverpool. I wish I shared with Paul Robinson. He always brings biscuits.

Monday

Our first morning of training. Stuart Pearce puts out the cones and then tries to teach us how to whack the ball down the touchline, like he did when he played for a team called Nottingham Forest. Mr Capello runs over quickly and tells Stuart to mend the fusebox in the dressing room.

All the papers are making a fuss because Mr Capello doesn't believe that Stevie G is injured. He's looked at by the England doctors who say that there's nothing wrong with him. Steven explains that he pretended to be injured because every time he goes away on international duty, somebody robs his house. Mr Capello sends him home again. Everyone is sad that Stevie is going, except for Frank who is laughing. Mr Capello gets angry with him and says he can go home too.

I make a bit of a fool of myself in training. A young boy comes up to me and I ask him if he wants an autograph. He tells me that his name is Michael Mancienne and that he plays in the Championship. Turns out that he's actually been picked in the squad! I give him the autograph anyway so he can flog it on ebay for a bit of extra cash.

Jimmy Bullard and Scott Parker arrive as replacements. It's been so long since I've seen Scott at an England squad that it takes me half an hour to remember his name. It's becoming a joke. I'm half expecting Jimmy Greaves to turn up with his boots tomorrow.

Tuesday

Today we flew on the plane to Germany. We had to give David James a special milkshake, like Hannibal used to give to B.A. Baracus, to make sure he doesn't go funny on the plane and start counting things.

On the plane, me and one of the lads (who shall remain nameless) have a bit of a bitch about Ashley Cole. We're both annoyed that every time we've been caught sleeping with a hairdresser, our girl at the time has chucked us. I say that if I was married to Cheryl I would spend all my wages voting for Diana Vickers. Jermain agrees he'd do the same.

Stuart Pearce tells us that even though this is a friendly it's important, as we have a history with Germany. Not sure what he means. Did they beat us in Eurovision this year?

As always, the whole squad put some money together and had a bet on the game. We'd get in trouble if Mr Capello found out, so we get our mate Michael to put the bet on, as Mr Capello doesn't ever pick him anyway. Germany are [2.2], with the draw at [3.35] and England [3.95]. We know we're not going to try that hard in case we get injured, so we get Little Mickey to put our money on the draw and under 2.5 goals at [2.04]. I think Michael likes placing our bets. It makes him still feel a part of things.

Mr Capello gives a final tactical talk before tomorrow's game. I can't understand what he's on about. He can speak English OK now, but what's all this about keeping possession and 4-3-3? Think I'll just run around lots like normal. Goodnight diary.

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1. SLou | 18 November 2008

   Great stuff, very entertaining.

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