X-Factor / Andrew French / 01 November 2010 /

Andrew French likes X-Factor as much as the next man but there are a fair few things about it that get under his skin. Here are his top ten causes for irritation...

Anyone who makes a 'phone' symbol with their hand

As Dermot reads out the phone number at the end of the judges' verdict, any performer who then makes a 'phone symbol' with their hand to their ear should instantly be deducted a portion of any votes they get. We know how voting works, we know what a phone is and what it does - you're making yourself look stupid.

Shoulder pumps

While we're on the subject of Dermot, he's rapidly losing my patience with the continual 'shoulder pumps' as he embraces contestants. Mix it up a bit O'Leary. Throw in a back slap, a ruffle of the hair, even the cheesy old high-five. But please, stop greeting them as if you're about to form a scrum.

Matt Cardle's prayer

I can't be the only one who's noticed it? As the judges pour out their usual dose of brown-nosing to young Cardle, the pop-star-in-waiting proceeds to put his hands together in a praying manner, touches his fingers on his lips and then turns his hands towards the judges. What's that all about? More importantly, do something else Cardle, it's boring - especially as you look like you'll be hanging around a while.

Nailing it

There are plenty of phrases that could be contenders for 'X Factor Bingo', but "nailed it" gets my vote. Could the four highly-paid judges perhaps invest some of their wonga in a book of phraseology? We know what you're saying, but it's getting so wearing to hear you say it about virtually every performer, every weekend.

'I'm safe' mock surprise

There's a pop career, with the associated cash, at stake here folks. So let's drop the act of pretending you really didn't expect to be voted in for another week. They scream, they cry, they run amok with mouth open. But do we believe them? I don't. Let's see someone just run off the stage with one finger in the air, Alan Shearer-stylee. Max respect for the first contestant to do so.

Disingenuous concern for your rivals

So, we get down to the acts that are in the bottom two. Obviously, not a nice place to be. But surely, deep down, you are seriously hoping the other act forgets their words, hits several bum notes and generally cracks under the pressure. So why is it, when you get saved by the judges, you say 'sorry' to the other act? Get off it. Just milk the crowd and leave the loser to wallow in self pity.

Naff 'biggest test yet' comments

Back to the judges. As we prepare to see each act, we get a bit of film of the week's events for that act, and usually one of the rival mentors pops up saying 'This is the biggest test yet for X' or 'X really will have to raise their game this week'. Stunning insight. Of course it gets harder each week. It's a bleeding knockout competition.

Mentors introducing their acts

Surely the single most pathetic use of their time. Our professional, qualified host (O'Leary) makes a big play of handing over to the respective mentor to introduce their act. And what do we get? 'Next up, is X' . . . or 'And now, X'. Makes you wonder how much rehearsal time they use on that piece of epic theatre.

The Sunday results show - as a whole

Sorry, but this ranks right up there with the National Lottery programme on a Saturday night when it comes to spending an hour doing something that needs no more than 10 minutes. We get a couple of 'stars' screeching through their latest 'hit' (I give you Katy Perry as a prime example), a chat with the mentors (previous form suggests that's pointless) and, finally, the results and the sign-off. On the Lottery, I want to know if I'm rich. On X-Factor, I want to know who's going home. End of.

Voiceover man

Boy he's annoying. Last year, his way of saying 'Oll-eee M-uuuuuurs' grated the hell out of me. Thankfully, we won't get him yodelling John Adeleye's name anymore. But what is this guy like at home? Booming things like 'Cup of teeeeeea' or 'What's fooooor din-nerrrr'.

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