Five reasons why the UK won't win Eurovision
Eurovision Song Contest
/
Dan Fitch /
20 April 2011 /
6
A man who has done much damage to the UK's Eurovision hopes.
Dan Fitch takes a look at the problems that face the UK as they attempt to win Eurovision.
To win Eurovision all you have to do is to come up with the best/catchiest song, right? Wrong. It's a lot more complicated than that. Especially if you're British.
The Brits haven't won the contest since 1997 and are poor value at a price of [11.0] to win this year. Here are the five reasons why the UK won't win Eurovision.
5. Blue
How many boy bands were asked to represent the UK before Blue were dug up from obscurity? The group do at least have some past form in the competition, but unfortunately it's the type that you would best describe as 'poor'.
Lee Ryan wrote the song 'Guardian Angel', that Andy Scott-Lee performed on a 2005 reality show to find our Eurovision entry, only for the British public to decide that Scott-Lee should remain most famous for being married to Michelle Heaton. The following year saw Anthony Costa finish second in the same contest, with his incorrectly named song 'It's a Beautiful Thing' (it wasn't).
Blue's Eurovision entry is called 'I Can', which we'll all be referring to as 'We Can't' if they fail to win. It's a forgettable number that was probably rejected by Take That, Westlife and The Wanted before being reluctantly handed over to Blue. At best this song could end up being used as background music in the next series of Masterchef, but it won't win Eurovision.
4. Lack of tactical nous
The trouble with the British is that when we're not getting involved in illegal wars, we tend to be quite fair about things. This is a mistake when it comes to Eurovision, where being fair is a shortcut to finishing in a lowly position.
In 2003 we scored a deserved 'nul points', when Jemini sang so off-key that is sounded as if the duo were warbling different songs, but we might have been saved this embarrassment if we made better friends with our neighbours.
Take Greece and Cyprus for instance. In every contest since 1998 they have given each other 12 points, regardless of the quality of the songs involved. Then there was the case of the 2007 contest where the first fifteen places were suspiciously filled by nations east of the Adriatic sea.
A wise old sage (possibly Thoreau) once said, 'Neighbours, everybody needs good neighbours'. Unfortunately we don't have any neighbours who particularly like us, which brings us to our third point, after this video showing the history of the Greece/Cyprus bromance.
3. No one likes us, we don't care
Our Eurovision chances are not helped by the fact that at one time or another we have been at war with just about every country in Europe, apart from Switzerland... and that was only because we had no use for all those cuckoo clocks.
The days of us getting into scuffles against Europe's great and good may be over, but our current involvement in Iraq and Afghanistan have made us about as popular on the continent as driving on left. We have no close friends, only former enemies.
There's not a lot we can do about this, apart from trying to stop annoying everyone. Or alternatively we could play hard-ball and insist that every skint European nation that we help to bail out, gives us 12 points.
2. We don't take Eurovision seriously enough
While Eurovision isn't treated with the sincerity on the continent that we British often imply, it's fair to say that it's not thought of as quite so much of a joke in Europe.
The sniggering British attitude towards Eurovision is partly down to the fact that for many years it was commentated on by Terry Wogan, who would spend the entire show taking the p*ss out of everyone.
Wogan has now gone, but by choosing Graham Norton as his replacement, the BBC did nothing to dispel the notions that Eurovision is something to be laughed at and only enjoyed by the gay community. We're not saying that Eurovision should be treated with the same sort of sincerity that BBC extend to their coverage of Remembrance Sunday, but just pointing out that our attitude towards Eurovision isn't going to endear us to the people handing out points.
1. Not making the most of our talent
We are the nation that gave the world the likes of The Beatles, Dusty Springfield, The Kinks, Scott Walker, Led Zeppelin, David Bowie, Roxy Music, Elvis Costello, The Jam, Blur, Radiohead and Michelle McManus. What have the whole of Europe produced in return? The Scorpions, Roxette, Vanessa Paradis... and Abba - OK, they were good, we'll give them that.
Our point is that in any contest involving European nations and popular music, there should only be one winner. Other than the United States (who aren't in Europe, fact fans) no other country has produced better pop and rock acts than the UK and some of them have even been interested in getting involved in Eurovision. Oasis wanted to enter 'All Around The World' in 1998, while Morrissey was keen to represent the UK in 2007. Who did we send instead? Someone called 'Imaani' and Scootch.
So why don't we use such talents in the Eurovision song contest? If we were to enter the cream of our musical crop then we'd either win every year, or could sit smug in the knowledge that the rest of Europe were just being deliberately contentious. We're never going to win the World Cup, but popular music is the one thing that we're demonstrably better at than the French, Dutch and Germans.
Anonymous | 21 April 2011
about point 3.
fair enough we have had a war with just about every country on the continent, but the vast majority of them were not started by us. plus we have spent a lot of money that the british economy doesn't even have fixing other economies. we are a very misunderstood nation.
Anonymous | 30 April 2011
I think your forgetting the fact that Blue were one of the most popular boybands in Europe and during their promotion for Eurovision they have received massive support once again from european countries.
I think you should reconsider because actually we have a chance. Jade Ewen came 5th even when the song was just okay. So Blue do have a chance.
And if they win, your just gonna look stupid!
Anonymous | 01 May 2011
"It's a forgettable number that was probably rejected by Take That, Westlife and The Wanted before being reluctantly handed over to Blue." Lee and Duncan wrote the song themselves. I don't understand what your problem with the band is?
I dont think we'll win but I think we'll do considerably better than in previous years.
Anonymous | 13 May 2011
I think your a eurovision hater, boy band hater and just like to babble. Who cares about who wins! Its entertainment. Basically it makes you proud to be british when we take part in european shows like this. To add to the entertainment, graham norton puts a great smile on my face with his comedy because that's what he is known for. A show like this needs someone like him to keep us entertained when we can't understand words to some foreign songs. Get off ya high horse and enjoy the show! Ok?
Evelyn | 16 May 2011
If Australia was allowed to officially vote in Eurovision, you have another voting ally. We might not necessarily always like your songs (although Daz Sampson from 2006 will always be a fun favourite), but we would vote for you to stick it to the rest of Europe who all 'buddy up' in the voting game. Let Australia vote and bring back Terry Wogan!!
Javier | 31 January 2012
The United Kingdom could be able to send very strong entries, but yet they don't try.
It's been said this the world's pop music nation... but, to me, it's Sweden!
At least Swedes can write good pop songs in decent English, despite not being their native language and that's something UK audience will never fully appreciate.