Dancing On Ice / Eliot Pollak / 16 March 2011 /

It was all about Laura v Sam last week but, look!, Chloe Madeley's getting involved all of a sudden. Can this young 'born-to-be-a-D-list' star do the business, asks Eliot Pollak

The great problem with two-horse races is that they tend to ignore the third horse. Who could forget Imperial Commander's wonderful win in the 2010 Gold Cup, at the expense of Denman and Kauto Star? Or how about Adrian Lewis winning this year's PDC darts, when we were all deciding if it would be Taylor or Barney who would storm the Ally Pally?

And so to Dancing on Ice, where against all the odds, Chloe Madeley has shot into second favourite, and now has every chance of winning the biggest crown in light entertainment (excluding Big Brother, X Factor, Britain's Got Talent, Strictly Come Dancing - you get the idea with that one.) Madeley is now at a cheeky [3.2], with the previous big two of Laura Hamilton and Big Sam now out to [3.5] and [2.74] respectively.

Attwater featuring in last week's skate-off was arguably the biggest shock to civilisation since the eruption of Krakatoa, and whilst DOI might not have the chutzpah of Cowell, the senility of Brucie or the filth of Big Brother, it does offer predictability where the Big Three all fail.

And so to Richard & Judy's offspring - the lovely Chloe. Regardless of her upward popularity surge, Madeley no doubt had some old dear spluttering on her cornflakes with a brace of morning television revelations - firstly that she endures crippling panic attacks before taking to the ice, and secondly, that she doesn't bother with knickers for the show. These two things may or may not be linked. You decide.

Like the British in any military operation of the last 60 years, Johnson Beharry is very much making up the numbers. One would even have to argue that 18s to win is far too tight to be of value, and that he is surely worth a lay at that price. His [1.57] to be booted out this week is far more reflective.

Indeed, he has already started on his long-winded, "just great to be taking part" routine, by insisting that entering the ice-skating programme has not only made his legs stronger, but it has also helped him come to terms with the many atrocities he was forced to witness during his years in the armed forces.

As if that wasn't vomit-inducing enough, Beharry has also confessed that he's a Justin Beiber fan - presumably a political move to get the Beiberettes or Beiberbabes or Beibed Beipers or whatever they're called on-side.

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