Big Brother 11 / Eliot Pollak / 17 August 2011 /

It's all rumour in CBB-land at the moment but with talk of Charlie Sheen in the lineup we could be in for a classic, says Eliot Pollak

Forget your Cesc Fabregas and your Sergio Aguero - the most significant transfer story of 2011 is undoubtedly the big money move that has seen wantaway rebel Big Brother sign for up and coming Channel 5.

The move to FIVE follows Ch4's decision that it simply wasn't sophisticated enough for their audience any more, who if last night is anything to go by, prefer to laugh at midgets.

Celebrity Big Brother kicks off tomorrow night, with FIVE going against convention by saving the 'normal' version for later this year (rumours that this is simply because most of the potential participants are in magistrates courts following the events of last week have been denied).

The mooted line-up suggests it could be a real beauty. As Blackburn Rovers fans will know however, there is often a huge gap between what you're promised, and what is delivered. Let us cast our finely-trained eye on the rumoured combatants (but don't moan at us when you instead have to watch Dominic Diamond, Paul Parker and a former member of Bwitched.)

Kerry Katona and her Mum - a combination which seems to us a downgrade on Jade Goody and her one-armed lesbian matriarch of a few years back. The savvy amongst you will recall that ended in an awkward bout of global racism. Here's hoping.

Sally Bercow - who once infuriated politicians by posing in a bed sheet, will no doubt fill the George Galloway role i.e. be so keen to look 'hip' that she will literally do anything requested of her.

Amy Childs - from The Only Way is Essex. The eye-candy of the group who makes former BB champ Brian Belo seem like Doctor Watson.

Charlie Sheen - the real coup if they can nail him. A once-fine movie actor in the grips of a crippling mental collapse. Stay classy, Big Brother.

The script appears to be fairly Route One to put it mildly. The BB house was never modelled on the French intellectual salons of the 18th century, but the new season seems keen to lower the bar more than ever. Big bath tub, sauna, bigger swimming pool, condoms littered about the cupboards. Not to mention a DOUBLE SHOWER ROOM - no doubt intended for Sheen and whoever he fancies paying for intercourse, but more likely to be used by the Jedward Twins, as they rinse one another's quiffs.

Big Brother House - we're ready and waiting. Let's see what ya got.

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