Big Brother 11 / Eliot Pollak / 10 June 2010 / 1

The latest - and almost certainly last - batch of freaks has entered the Big Brother house. Which of the first 14 can last longest? Eliot Pollak delivers his opening night verdict

Eighty-one became 14. A whole heap of wannabes had to pretend to look pleased at someone else's success. And Channel 4 ran an abortion ad during one of their breaks, despite the whole programme being one big plug for Marie Stopes. Here are the runners n riders for BB 2010.

Josie Gibson (latest odds to win [11.5]): She certainly displayed the traditional Big Brother demure entry, by invoking the name of god countless times on climbing the stairs. Claims in her video entry that her parents took her to school in a horse and cart, and that she's drunk petrol. Either of which explain a lot. Future national hate figure.

Steven Gill ([6.8]): The predictable entrant - after all, they weren't going to bring this fella all the way to Elstree only to ditch him at the final hurdle. His inspirational attitude to life should see him do well, and it's no surprise that he is among the early favourites.

Ben Duncan ([30.0]): Ah, here he comes. Token posh bloke entering Big Brother shock. And boos too from the bitter crowd of middle class layabouts. I have a hunch this 'Tim-Nice-but-Dim' may do OK actually - he seems self-aware enough to tone down the posh shtick. Might be a dark horse.

Rachael White ([28.0]): Better known as the front cover of Zoo magazine in about three weeks time, and the Nuts covergirl the following Tuesday. Rachael White, Beyonce lookalike, is very much the hot one of le maison. Absolutely no chance of winning (see yesterday's article), but should make a few quid out of all this nonetheless.

Nathan Dunn ([10.0]): Possible relation of David, this uber-lad is so 'one-of-the-boys' that he is willing to miss the whole World Cup for this nonsense. Seems likeable and down-to-earth, the latter the most important quality of anyone with serious ambitions to win. But ¾ length jeans? At the age of 26? Really?

Dave Vaughan ([32.0]): The point when you start thinking this could be a really long night. Fancy dress time kids, although you may not wish to let this odd man of god anywhere near the kids quite frankly. Believes in things like heavenly intoxification, and visions of the Lord. In other words, he runs a cult. And quite possibly, is one too.

Caoimhe Guilfoyle ([21.0]): A pleasingly angular type of lady, dressed straight out of the 1980s. Cue endless confused housemate thickos asking her how to pronounce her name, but one senses they won't need to know for too long. This lass simply doesn't look like a winner.

Govan Zachariah Hinds ([10.0]): Wins the award for best euphemism of the night, turning the fact that he is on the dole into, 'voluntary worker.' Other than that, this lad seems a reasonable sort of chap, and is certainly worth a punt at the current price. Naivety can go a long way down Big Brother street.

Shabby Katchadourian ([32.0]): Shabby by name, shabby by nature, this strange creature entered the house dressed as Gene Wilder's Willy Wonka to a chorus of well-deserved derision. Not to be confused with Xabi Alonso who is currently in South Africa. Claims to regularly squat in large houses, so she should be used to sudden eviction. Shabby seems hugely unlikeable - a definite lay. Strictly in the betting sense.

Ife Kuku ([20.0]): Kuku by name, cuckoo by nature. Ife describes herself as a 'professional dancer' although why she feels the need to add the prefix is unknown. Am I a 'professional' journalist? Do people describe themselves as 'professional' builders? Already irritating.

John James Parton ([9.8]): Parton by name - well you get the idea with that one already. Another Australian in the UK who doesn't seem to have any interest in getting a proper job. Never mind - JJ is clearly there purely as eye candy for the ladies, and as such, should at least last longer than his home country at the World Cup.

Sunshine Martyn ([32.0]): A walking advert for the global warming lobby - nobody wants to see more sunshine when it is as damaging as this. Just a shame Liam Gallagher isn't narrating this series. An early exit beckons for the least popular doctor since Shipman.

Corin Forshaw ([27.0]): And here comes an oompa loompa to join Willy Wonka. Orange chav. No further questions. Next!

Mario Mugan ([9.0]): A tombola - how original. And what's that you say? A secret challenge on the opening night. Whatever next!

And that ladies and gentlemen, is why no tears should be shed for the imminent death of this once-great show.

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1. karen rhodes | 11 June 2010

   John James Parton, Top guy, Great friend ALWAYS worked.... needed a break after the tragic death of his father. HOT LOOKS are only one part of this TOP AUSSIE BLOKE!!!

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