There's only one place to start here, and that's with the man they call 'Pardiola'. Blessed with an almost unrivaled level of self-confidence that some (not me) would unfairly argue may even cross over into arrogance, Wimbledon's second favourite son (Oliver Reed, if you're wondering) certainly made sure he left his mark on Newcastle before leaving for his spiritual home of Crystal Palace.
And by 'left his mark', I don't mean his 2011-12 Manager of the Year award or his guidance of the Magpies back into Europe, I mean the very specific mark he attempted to leave embossed on Hull midfielder David Meyler's cheek. With his head. In the middle of a game. In front of thousands of people.
Of course, it wasn't the first time 'Wor Alan' had found himself in hot water with the authorities. There had been several incidents before that, the most notable being the shouting 'shut your noise you f**king old c**t!' at Man City manager Manuel Pellegrini, again during a game. I suspect we'll be hearing a lot more from Pards in the near future. And I for one cannot wait.
2. Arsene Wenger
Yes, Arsene Wenger just being Arsene Wenger is enough for him to make it into this list. Whether it's consistently failing to be able to dress himself as he is repeatedly baffled by a zip on a coat, refusing to discuss potential transfers because he's 'not in a transfer mood at the moment', or having a mini-dust up with your friend and mine Pards, the Frenchman never fails to deliver.
The underlying element to all this is that, despite him being a successful and hugely talented football manager, it is undeniable that Wenger is clearly quite a hapless man. An unlucky man. An almost tragic character. Nothing typifies this more than when he was erroneously sent to the stands at Old Trafford by referee Mike Dean for kicking a water bottle in frustration (something head of referees Keith Hackett later apologised for), only to find that he had nowhere to sit and so stood, crestfallen, arms outstretched, among the home fans looking like a kid whose ball had been stolen by the bigger boys; he'll pretend he doesn't care but you know he'll cry all the way home.
3. Diego Simeone
Less a football manager, more a terrifying assassin from the future, Argentinian Diego Simeone's list of indiscretions is far too long to mention in its entirety here. What Wenger is to tragedy, Simeone is to terror. If our Arsene is an amalgamation of Laurel and Hardy, Diego is Roy Batty from Blade Runner.
In the above example in particular, Diego has chosen the Champions League Final, and Real Madrid's Raphael Varane is his Harrison Ford. As every other member of Atleti's coaching staff tries to stop him, Simeone is hellbent on avenging what to many normal human beings was a pretty routine gesture of kicking a ball in his general direction.
There are many, many other examples of the sort of the behaviour that would usually ensure a man like Simeone lives his life on the fringes of our society, yet in football he is a very successful man (see also: Roy Keane). He is in fact, so terrifying you can't help but pray that his vision is based on movement and that if you stay perfectly still, he won't be able to discover where you're hiding.
4. Ron Atkinson v a dugout
In 1999, Ron 'Big Ron' Atkinson was parachuted in to save Nottingham Forest's season. Dave 'Harry' Bassett was given the boot in January, and Ron was the man they wanted to turn it around. Unfortunately for Forest fans the man made of teak couldn't even manage to sit on the right bench, let alone steer an actual professional football team away from the ruinous trapdoor of relegation. Whether it was an elaborate ruse to try and get Arsenal legend Nelson Vivas (on the bench that day) to turn out for those Tricky Trees, we'll never know.
To most of us watching though, it just looked like a man who didn't really know what he was doing. Coincidentally, Forest were absolutely destroyed 1-8 by Manchester United a few weeks later, and Big Ron never managed again. Looking back on it, relegation was always an inevitability from the moment he plonked that probably-very-tanned backside on that wooden bench. Forest finished bottom.
5. Mark Hughes and his very specific quest to outlaw handshakes all over the planet
Mark Hughes isn't a man that lends himself successfully to handshakes. He has a consistent and utterly flabbergasting record with them, from the debacle with Roberto Mancini above, a move I like to refer to as the 'Contemptuous Flick', to several incidents down the years with Sam Allardyce, Tony Pulis, Martin Jol and Arsene Wenger.
Hughes is to a handshake what Jonathan Pearce is to goalline technology - he just cannot get his head around it. He has even called for them to be outlawed before a game, and looked genuinely put out when he was told that, essentially, other managers don't care enough to discuss it. In many ways, it's his life's passion - banning handshakes all over the world.
Imagine seeing his face on his wedding day when he realised that he was going to have to shake the hand of every single male guest. It was probably almost enough to make him call the whole thing off.
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