Football's Biggest Freaks

Dan Fitch invites you in to witness the spectacle of football's biggest freak show.

Back in the Victorian era, people would flock to travelling shows, to gasp in shock at a group of people who earned their living as 'freaks'.

These days of course, we would consider such an act abhorrent - why go to the trouble of leaving the house and attending a show, when we can just switch on Jeremy Kyle?

We might be able to tempt you out though with our football freak show. Roll up, roll up and witness football's biggest freaks...

The Incredible Giant Goalkeeper

Behold the tallest professional footballer in the world - the Belgian goalkeeper Kristof Van Hout. At 6ft 10" tall, the Standard Liege shot-stopper makes Peter Crouch look like Danny DeVito stood in a ditch.

We imagine that being so tall would be very useful for reaching crosses, yet a bit of a hindrance when it comes to those difficult low shots near to your body. Perhaps this explains why Van Hout spends most of his time sitting (uncomfortably, we imagine) on the Standard Liege bench.

The Barely Visible Brazilian

Standing 1ft and 9½" below Van Hout is the diminutive Elton Jose Xavier Gomes, who is the shortest player in the world. Focus your eyes and you'll just be able to make out the tiny Brazilian, who is 5ft ½" tall and currently plies his trade in Serie B, with Sport Club Do Recife.

Elton possesses unique dribbling skills and is able to rapidly take the ball upfield, in the style of an army of ants making away with a picnic.

The Unbelievable Non-Aging Footballer

How does Pedro Ribeiro Lima confound the evidence on his birth certificate? Has he sold his soul and now keep a portrait of himself in his attic? Or is it merely a case of a balanced diet and regular moisturising?

We may never know his secret, but in 2007 Pedro Ribeiro Lima scored his first ever goal aged 58, to become the oldest goalscorer in professional football. Pedro Ribeiro Lima founded the Brazilian Campeonato Paraibano side Associacao Desportiva Perilima in 1992 and began playing for them himself in 1990, at the age of 50.

The Horror Of The Gratuitously Tattooed Forward

Prepare to recoil in horror at the sight of a man who has covered almost every available inch of his skin, with barely visible illustrations.

That man is Djibril Cisse, who believes that his body is a mere canvas for scribbling and garishly coloured hair. On his back he has a tattoo of a pair of wings and yet Cisse's career has failed to soar to great heights.

The World's Greediest Striker

Micky Quinn? 'Fat' Ronaldo? No, the greediest striker of all - too consumed by his own hunger to even pass the salt - was the former Chelsea and Crystal Palace frontman Neil Shipperley.

Now retired from playing, Shipperley tours the country as part of our Football Freak Show. If you want proof of Shipperley's claim to the throne as the king of fat footballers, then cast your eyes upon the following photograph and wonder how a man in this shape could possibly have been earning a living as a professional athlete.

The Man Whose Face Could Scare A Lion

There have been many ugly footballers, mocked for their slack jaws, buck teeth and careless beekeeper skin, but only one man could scare a big cat with his face alone.

Brace yourself and behold the lion tamer....

The Magical Witch Doctor Of Cameroon

Thomas Nkono is thought of as the greatest goalkeeper in African football history, he won 112 caps for Cameroon, played in three World Cups and was a success in Spain with Espanyol.

Yet we wonder as to how many of his clean sheets were down to his goalkeeping abilities and how much they had to do with his power as a witch doctor? As a coach for Cameroon in the African Cup of Nations in 2002, Nkono was seen burying bones under in the pitch before the semi-final against Mali and spraying a potion to cast a spell on the playing field. Nkono was arrested and lead away in handcuffs, as Cameroon romped to a magical 3-0 victory.

The Bearded Lady

Despite the stereotypes that exist about female football players, the closest we could get to a bearded lady is the US College player Hannah Beard, who is actually very pretty.

We apologise for any disappointment this may cause, but are unable to offer any refunds on tickets.

Published: 11 Mar 2011