Live Test Match Blogging / Ed Hawkins / 07 February 2009 / 1

England crashed to a humiliating defeat in the first test against the West Indies and, as ever, Ed Hawkins was on hand to bring you the action as it happened. Read how the sorry tale unfolded...

WI win by innings and 23 runs

One of this blog's functions is to predict things. Okay, we didn't see this coming. However, we did slag off England's batsmen quite nicely before the you-know-what hit the fan. Better than that, we lamented terrible television shows which people watch instead of live sport. Well, now you've got no live sport to watch tomorrow, I've provided you with a handy guide to what else is on. It's a prediction of a sort. Perhaps the most damning indictment on how bad England were today was that we didn't even have time for the full Top 10 TV Shows That Should Never, Ever Be Taken Seriously. The rest are below. For the second Test in Antigua, where this blog will come live from by the way, I will compile The XI Who Have Caused England Most Embarrassment. It won't take long. See you in Antigua on Friday...

...Irritating TV shows continued
6 Grand Designs
If there is any justice Kevin McCloud will in his second life live in a Basingstoke council house and be forced to make a living by offering to badly tarmac people's drives. "It flows, it's organic, it is movement." Whatever Kevin.

7 Property Ladder
Quite an informative show. That is if one can stop trying to work out whether presenter Sarah Beeny is fat or just pregnant again.

8 Bargain Hunt
Poor people have to make up their mind whether to sell something 'priceless' found down the back of the sofa to one of Dicko's pals or go to auction. It's all irrelevant, though because Dicko spends the cash on topping up his increasingly orange-tanned head.

9 Master Chef
It's about Passion. Commitment. How much you want it. Giving 110 per cent. But not about food. Just ask the woman who got to the quarter-finals despite not being able to identify a cranberry. She thought it was a cherry.

10 Time Team
From a piece of pottery an inch thick, these charlatans tell us that it was from the kitchen of a 12-bed Roman villa with swimming pool, gym and hot tub, owned by a chap called Tim who liked eating out, squash and supported Arsenal.

19.37 Eng 51 all out
WI win by an innings and 23 runs
All over. Incredible stuff. The third lowest Test total in history. Absolute humiliation. West Indies are back. England are at their lowest ebb for ten years when they were stuffed by New Zealand by 83 runs at The Oval. From here, West Indies' confidence will soar and England, well, I don't know how they can pick themselves up. There are still clearly huge rifts in the camp, not to mention players who ain't good enough.

19.30 Eng 51-9
Flintoff gone now. The end is nigh. That phrase has so many meanings. West Indies' period of misery, England's dominace over their Caribbean rivals, the careers of Bell and Colly. Strauss' captaincy? Harsh.

19.27 Eng 50-8
England lose their eighth wicket. It was referred but Sidebottom couldn't survive Big Benn. Presumably at some stage the referral system is going to have to start to impact on the match odds. Let's think about it. If we have a Test match which cannot end in a draw and the market is struggling to separate the two sides (difficult to imagine I know given today's action). Team A has two referrals left, Team B none. Is that a big enough factor to ensure that Team A gets the edge? If not, it probably should be, especially if Team A is the batting side. 'If in doubt give not out' is an old maxim but I think it will be oft-repeated in the third umpire boxes around the world for these referrals.

19.17 Eng 49-7
England have avoided the ignominy of their lowest score. Boo! If you are an England fan reading this blog, at least take solace in the decline of Australia. I'm not anti-Aussie. Just anti people who can't spot that any sporting team will struggle when they lose such a raft of fine players, although I don't know what England's excuse is. I believe that is five straight defeats now after Aussie slipped 2-0 down to New Zealand. Serves them right if you ask me. It appears they still think they are the bees knees. Why else would they reckon they could get away with resting their captain, Ricky Ponting, when it is quite obvious to the rest of the world that they need stability for the first time in, oooh, 15 years? Arrogance. Pure arrogance. Ponting has had to be called back from his rest for the next match in Sydney. Read (and laugh) all about it here https://content-uk.cricinfo.com/ci/content/current/story/389567.html

19.14 Eng 39-7
BORING! We haven't had a wicket for ages. Come on Windies, we want England out for fewer than 45. That is their lowest Test score of all time. It was v Aus in 1887.

19.05 Eng 30-7
Great excitement today. But we're just waiting for the kill. So.. more irritating TV shows. COme on, the cricket's done with!

4 A Place in the Sun
Notice how the couple will each pick a superlative and stick to it for the duration even if they are shown a shack made of elephant dung with no roof. "Amazing!"

5 Anything with Kate Humble
These are usually Zoo-based shows with Humble being minded by various sweatshirt-wearing keepers. "How are u going to entice it in?" It's a stick insect, Kate the nice man can pick it up.

18.56 Eng 29-7
The one-man wrecking ball has been Jerome Taylor. Five wickets for him. And to think he had a strike rate approaching three figures against England previously, Given the chaos that has unfolded, I'm pleased we had that debate over England's batting. It looked to be spot on. Owais Shah must come in now. And who can we replace Colly with? England doing quite well at the mo ... they haven't lost a wicket for 4.3 overs

18.49 Eng 27-7
Smoke has been coming out of my dear old laptop. You may remember yesterday how I was singing the praises of PC Garage, who fixed it, but they are in fact rubbish. Meltdown. Apologies but I should be okay for the rest of the day. Meltdown for England, too. Defeat is certain. Obviously the KP-Moores row has had a greater impact than one could have possibly imagined. But what about the Windies? Tremendous stuff. Great to see them playing like days of yore. A couple of thoughts...
The 76 run partnership between Denesh Ramdin and Bredan Nash not only had huge consequences for the game, but also the series and the way West Indies are perceived. Previously, they were a side who teams knew that once four or five down, they would fold pretty cheaply. Not anymore. The fight Ramdin showed when he came to the crease was hugely impressive. From his first ball - hit for four off Stuart Broad - he took on the England bowlers. And in Nash they have someone who could almost be as obdurate as Chanderpaul. The warning was there for England.
Secondly, who saw this coming? Numbers. Whether they be in relation to the lottery, a woman's vital statistics or the bus that you've been waiting for in the cold for 30 minutes. - you gotta love 'em. Usually anyway. Here are some. 81.6/100.3/90.8. They are in order, Monty Panesar's strike rate away from home, Daren Powell's strike rate at home and Sulieman Benn's strike rate at home (all before this series began). So what would it have been fair to deduce from those numbers before this contest began? That WI were carrying two bowlers and England only one. A big factor when deciding which team is most likely to take 20 wickets. You'd have been wrong, though.

18.23 Eng 23-5
Another one gone. Colly this time. This game is up. So more terrible TV shows, I think. 2

BBC Sports Personality of the Year
Last year the BBC thought the licence payer would be wowed by a obscure rower playing the saxophone in their 'surprise slot'. Next time rumour has it that the Scunthopre United full back is booked to play the kazoo.

3 Cash in the Attic
Marvel at how often Gloria Hunniford, who looks like she has been in an attic for the last 10 years, fails to spot how inappropriate it is to chirp up every five minutes with "can I rummage for you?".

18.13 Eng 22-4
Here's a bit of bad news for England as Strauss departs. The average third-innings score at Sabina Park in the last five Tests is a paltry 174. So, it would be fair to say that if the tourists do not bat out of their skin and produce something above the norm, they almost certainly won't win this game. In fact, they'll probably lose. Sorry to be glum all you English-supporters out there but we only deal in the hard truth in this blog. And can I point out that we have no pre-determined allegiance to any side. We support the team we have money on.

17.57 Eng 15-3
I perhaps need to make it clear that I'm not starting a witch hunt for these England batsmen. To get rid of Cook, Bell and Collingwood (another whose record is not standing up to scrutiny) with one blow from the axe would be too much. But teams have to move on. they have to grow. This England team is stagnating. the main reason being that there is very little presure on these guys' places. And they know it. Alastair Cook has just been made vice-captain for goodness sake. It is a fact of life that when someone younger comes into a workplace, the senior memebers buck up, aware that the new boy could show them up. Look at any cricket side down the years. There are hundreds of examples. Amla for South Africa, Clarke for Australia, Gambhir for India, Taylor for New Zealand. Strauss for England - and that was five years ago. Get the picture?

17.48 Eng 12-3
Implosion. England could lose this tonight. KP has gone now. Dear, oh dear.

17.43 Eng 12-2
West Indies all over England like a cheap suit. They are [2.12]. And there was me thinking the draw price would contract. Perhaps we shouldn't be surprised that England are making a mess of things in this first Test. Yes, West Indies have won only four Test matches in their last five years and England are aiming for a fifth consecutive win over their rivals, but the Three Lions do not travel well. Here's a sequence: L/L/L/L/D/L/W. Those are England's last six first Tests of an away series. The 'W' came against South Africa all the way back in 2004 against South Africa at Port Elizabeth.

17.00 Eng 11-2 LUNCH
A much-needed break for England. Bell losing his wicket AGAIN just before an interval. We won't see him for some time methinks. A lot of the talk surrounding potential changes in the England team focuses on Bell. His form has been poor. But what about Alastair Cook? This may surprise you but he is actually performing worse than Bell the bugbear. Yep. Cook averages less than 36 in the last year and Bell is around the 38 mark. Cook has not scored a century for 23 innings. And 10 of those came against a pathetic New Zealand attack.

16.39 Eng 3-1
The Bell tolls for thee. An important innings for Bell. Could be his last for England for some time if he fails here with Owais Shah waiting in the wings. Bell looked good in the first innings but, having made a start, failed to go on. The story of his career and in a way that first dig knock was more damning than getting a good delivery early on. It showed that he has not moved on from the mental problem which prevent him from scoring big runs. No. 3 is such a key position England cannot afford to have someone so weak batting there. They need to replace Bell whatever he does today. That is the reality.

16.35 Eng 3-1
You could say my timing was off there. Cook gone. For a duck. Caught Smith bowled Taylor. Awful, awful England

16.34 Eng 1-0
Betting strategy. As England begin their innings it would be reasonable to assume that the draw is only ever going to get shorter. Yes, we have to worry about the impact of the new ball and, as ever, timing is everything. Bt let's consider the match situation. England have got ensue they don't lose before they can think about winning. And with runscoring getting harder and run rates coming down, that inevitably means time out of the game. Sure, West Indies could blitz England here. They did it against Australia in this innings on this ground last time out to reduce them to 18 for 5. Could happen. probably won't. At the end of the day, folks it's a gamble. Come to terms with it. It's currently [1.49].

16.21 Eng 0-0
WI have a seriously useful lead of 74. Here are the prices. WI [3.7], England [10.50] and the draw [1.50]. Bit of controversy of the referral of Powell's dismissal but I'm not too fussed. Besides...
The top 10 TV shows that should never, ever be taken seriously
1 Antiques Roadshow
Posh people, trying, but failing to hide their disappointment that some old piece of fluff isn't worth the thousands needed to pay off Hugo's school fees or the enormous 0898 bill wracked up by daddy on the study phone.

16.11 WI 392
WI lead by 74. Yesterday's Top 5 was well-received. So we're going to do a Top 10 througout today. Now, it's not cricket related although there is a leather and willow link. I spoke to a good friend on the telephone yesterday so we could have a banter about the Test and to my amazement, he wasn't watchiing it. "No pal, I love afternoon terrestrial TV ... wouldn't miss it for anything." This chap has only just emerged from university so clearly he has suffered a massive brain drain, not forgetting a drain on his bank balance, too. So I thought it should be my duty to bring people back to the wndeful world of watching cricket on the box. The answer? The Top 10 TV Shows That Should Never, Ever Be Taken Seriously?

15.53 WI 388-9
A bit humiliating for England this. They can't even remove Powell and Edwards - combined average 13. When Nash was out, England were [6.2]. They are [9.4] now. Edwards is right behind anything Fred can throw at him.

15.35 WI 376-9
I thought I should put my Michael Fish comedy moustache on today and provide a weather forecast. It has been so hot in the last three days in Jamaica that the fast bowlers have been sapped come the final session and the batsmen have dominated. The news is that it is not expected to be as warm. The general forecast is cloudy and there could be a pot of rain in the evening, although that wil probably turn up after play. Nash out now. Broad again. Five for him!

15.28 WI 374-8
Benn is out. Snared by Broad. Pouched by Cook. Not that it is very relevant. WI lead 56 now. That is so very, very useful.

15.19 WI 368-7
Big Benn has whacked Stuart Braod for 4-6 as WI warm to the task. He really is a huge bloke, Benn. 6ft 7in at the last count. He's not as big as England's price, however. {13.5] currently and climbing. They're in a hole. A dreadful hole.

15.10 WI 357-7JC has been on the email. He wanted to add to yesterday's Top 5, which was 'What KP and Fred Should Spend Their IPL Money On'. It's a fine suggestion ... "Plastic surgery for Steve Harminson to give him a pair of balls in place of his mangina."

15.00 WI 352-7
Good 'morning' sports fans. We're back in position for day four with England staring down the barrel a bit. They have to wrap West Indies' innings up quickly otherwise the game will be going away from them like one of the barges in the nearby ocean, carried gracefully by the Tradewinds. Poetic. Anyway, the draw remains the skinny favourite but please do bear in mind this wicket is expected to get increasingly tricky. Let me remind you that the last three Tests have been won by the side batting first.

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1. jak | 07 February 2009

   Ed, look on the bright side mate,when was the last time the aussies were 3-0 down in a 1-day series (probably by tommorrow)... meanwhile the indians will do to the sri lankans what those awful bombs prevented them doing to england in the one day series.
   And a good beating is historically good for England, allout for 46 v ambrose and co, concentrated the mind beautifully for the following test (they won that one!)

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