Catch me, I'm falling! America puts a new spin on Strictly Come Dancing

Strictly Come Dancing / Chicken Dinner / 26 October 2007 / Leave a Comment

Reality TV betting champs Chicken Dinner question whether anyone is prepared to put their body on the line like Marie Osmond...

Trust America to bring pain and drama to the Beeb's Strictly Come Dancing format. This week in Hollywood, Donny Osmond's younger, more hirsute sister collapsed after a particularly furious samba. Transatlantic judge Len Goodman, looking like a slightly camp rabbit blinded by headlights, shuffled his notes as he peered over the desk at the panting mess that was once Marie. It's a classic - see it here.

So, what can we learn from the 48-year old Mormon's eccentric interpretation of the Cuban classic? Well, firstly we should trust in the good judgment of the UK Strictly Come Dancing voters for religiously voting out the old contestants first: Capron, Beacham and Thorne were the first three to go this season. No-one wants to see upsetting fainting incidents while eating their teatime fish fingers.

The most ancient dancers left in - and therefore in immense danger - are John Barnes (44), Dominic Littlewood (42), Letitia Dean (39) and Kate 'Gammy Leg' Garraway (39). The average age of the winner of the last four series has been thirty-three. All of these are well past it and it shows on the Betfair elimination market, with these four joining Kenny Logan at shortest odds to hang up their shiny shoes.

Garraway's tendinitus and shockingly visible panty line throughout last Saturday's tango have pegged her as favourite to be expelled at 2.84 on Betfair. Kenny Logan's 'rugby man hands' and appalling decision to marry one of his London Scottish teammates, have him lined up second at 3.0, with Dean (5.6), Barnes (8.6) and Littlewood (10.0) hanging behind.

But wait... there are darker forces at work. Chickendinner's research shows that if you really have to dance, it's got to be sexy and Latin to win votes. Vintage ballroom (waltz, tango, foxtrot) just reminds people of family members with bladder control problems and an unbending attitude toward immigration. If SCD fan blogs are correct, Garraway and Logan have been spotted practicing the samba this week, while Barnes, Littlewood and Dean have been lumbered with American Smooth (yes, you did hear that correctly). The Smooth discipline is a repulsive, sexless Yankee version of bog-standard ballroom that will put the kybosh on any attempt to 'take the audience along for the ride'.

All of which points to a potential elimination upset:

Letitia Dean's Eastenders pedigree (let's not talk about the dancing) ought to carry her through another week.

Barnesy is already terrified by his lack of a public vote. The once proud, but now podgy England winger has been bumped down the pecking order in the last two episodes by an unforgiving audience to whom pre-Premier League footballers are as obscure as pre-Raphaelite painters. His only saving grace is the judges' penchant for his 'quick feet'.

It could be, then, that the value lies with Dominic Littlewood trading at 10.0 on Betfair. His 'chirpy chappie' schtick is proving to be a little vulgar for ballroom. His frenzied face and Hills-Have-Eyes cranium is scaring the children. And no one knew who he was anyway. Mr Littlewood, please leave the premises.