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I'd Do Anything Betting: Fings Ain's What They Should Be

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Paul Sorene takes an irreverent look at the BBC's flagship musical theatre talent contest. It was business as usual this week, with Lord Lloyd-Webber in typically spooky form.

Ashley, I'd Do Anything's Sarah Ferguson impersonator, cannot be killed by conventional voting.
Not that we wish death upon the freelance drama teacher. Indeed, if she were to perish, we fear she'd issue her final cry out of tune and miss her cue. At [1.71], Ashley is favourite to go next.

But then, she was the punters' choice to go last week. She survived, waving a teary adieu to Sarah, who still managed to look young and delighted, probably because her mum had let her stay up late enough to be on the telly.

Ashley wasn't even in the bottom two, the dishonour of being in the sing-off falling upon Rachel, who has drifted out from clear favourite to [6.4] behind Jessie [2.08] and 'Isle of' Sam [5.3].
This is the Rachel of whom Barry Humphries said: "You're like a horse in the Grand National - in the middle of the field but you could be the winner." Or dog food. Them's the breaks.

"I'm really deeply concerned about you girls so I've been given a real googly again tonight," said Andrew Lloyd Webber, achieving the near impossible by sounding as creepy as he looks.
"I have to think as a producer and I do think Rachel was rock solid, and there were moments that I did think that maybe you were a bit fragile," he told Sarah "but you were wonderful and you did exactly what I asked."

Next!

It's Sam, who tells us: "I don't know my song yet, but I'm hoping to go for something different. I've done sadness, anger, raunchy, bubbly and fun and flirty so something different and fresh."
How about dozy, beaky, sleepy, grumpy and bashful?

Says Jessie: "It's only onwards and upwards from now on. If I get kicked out next week I'm still going to enjoy next Saturday. I want this role and I'm going to everything in my willpower to make sure I'm here till the very end." Chances are that she will be.

She then adds, a little threateningly: "You won't be sending me home that easily!"
Forget bashful, Sam, against Jessie you need to go for it...