Dancing On Ice / Chicken Dinner / 14 January 2008 /

Sarah Greene is the first celebrity skater to get an icicle between the eyes - Chickendinner assess who else lacks a cutting edge...

We're only one show in, but Dancing on Ice is so far conforming neatly to the laws of celebrity talent show voting, which state that anyone too old (i.e. over 40) or with an insufficiently high celebrity profile might as well stay at home.

Former Blue Peter presenter Sarah Greene was first to be culled. She broke both rules by being about fifty and not appearing on a single memorable television programme since 1985. She may have aged well, but she had to go. No one will hear from her again.

Also too old, and therefore pointless, are cleaning show presenter Aggie Mackenzie ([100.0] to win on Betfair) and former Page 3 dolly Linda Lusardi ([18.0]). The cleaner, in particular, looked glazed rather than game and her progression through the show will probably mirror Stephanie Beacham's in SCD (back on the street after week 2). Lusardi is still hot, but lacks the necessary grace and sex appeal when lined up against lithe young things like Suzanne Shaw and Natalie Pinkham thing. Like Kelly Le Brock on Hell's Kitchen, she's killing the legend.

Those with a profile problem are Pinkham ([20.0]) - the face of The Poker Channel, and rumoured recipient of Prince Harry's royal tongue - and Michael Underwood ([14.5]), who no one has ever heard of. Both are competent on the ice, but would need to be brilliant to make it through to the latter stages. Alesha Dixon was relatively unknown on Strictly Come Dancing, but her profile problems vanished the minute she showed some great skills.

Vying for the Gethin Jones/ Darren Gough/ David Seaman spot - game older bloke discovering his sensitive side - are Greg Rusedski ([18.0]), Steve Backley ([16.0]) and Tim Vincent, another former Blue Peter presenter ([26.0]). There is really only room for one of them in the housewives' hearts, and Backley might have the correct ratio of bulk to cheer to see himself through.

Samantha Mumba ([16.5]) seemed initially to be the big name score for the producers, what with her international profile and all, yet she's already been in the bottom two (no winner has been in the bottom two in the early rounds) despite a pretty decent dance. The voters don't appear to like her, which could be down to Middle England's charming intolerance of black people, which saw Lemar so cruelly stripped of the Fame Academy crown a few years back.

That just leaves former semi-pro ice hockey player Chris Fountain ([3.55]), trained dancer Suzanne Shaw ([5.9]) and painfully sweet, stuttering singer Gareth Gates ([5.0]). All have enough wholesome teatime appeal to keep the voters voting, and enough skating ability to be in it for the long haul.

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