Celebrity Big Brother 2009 / Dan Fitch / 19 January 2009 / Leave a comment

Dan "The Betting Man" Fitch updates us on the latest developments in the Celebrity Big Brother house where Tommy has self-exiled himself from the group in an act of petulance and lively Coolio and boring Ulrika are up for eviction.

Last night saw the first episode of the series sans Tina and the house was certainly a much quieter place for her absence. Adding to the morgue-like feel in the house was the fact that Michelle and Coolio were not talking to each other.

La Toya is certainly not a fan of the Geordie singer and spent much of the show stating that she thought Michelle was using her conflict with Coolio as part of some kind of game plan. La Toya has drifted out to [14.0] in the betting, while Michelle is [110.0].

Having seen Michelle floundering in the recent general knowledge quiz, I'm not sure that she possesses the brainpower to hatch any sort of grand scheme. Just one look at Michelle's 'career' history, reveals no greater plan than repeatedly posing in her underwear for men's magazines and appearing on one reality show after another, in a desperate bid to rake in enough money before her looks fade.

The housemates were given a task in which they had to form a band, compose a song about their time in the house and then perform it. All the housemates had to be involved in the task and for each one that opted out, Big Brother would deduct a token from the final prize fund.

This caused some consternation in the house, because as soon as the task began, Tommy decided that this was the perfect time to begin his fitness-training regime. The other housemates tried to cajole Tommy into joining in, but he remained a solitary, petulant figure.

Tommy has begun to grate on me of late. For one, he has this really annoying habit of always referring to Ulrika as 'Eureka', which is ironic considering that the only thing that is likely to occur to Ulrika in the bath these days, is the fact that her boobs are really sagging. Tommy is the rank outsider at [200.0].

Meanwhile the band had named themselves as 'The Final Eight' and set upon crafting a song that would encapsulate the contrasting styles of Liberty X, A1 and Coolio, in three minutes of musical perfection.

Ben began strumming the guitar and singing about Tommy:

"Tommy you're so hairy,
Don't need a jumper, you're wearing a sweater,
You like Michelle but you aint gonna get her,
When she looks at me, she's never been wetter."

Curiously Michelle's reaction to this song was to giggle like a schoolgirl, though you know that if it had been Coolio that had come out with these lyrics, we'd be in for hours of her hysterical sobbing. Ben is now [17.5] to win the show.

The task was eventually passed and the housemates used one of their tokens to buy alcohol. As he sipped on a beer, Verne proclaimed that neither Jessica Biel nor Scarlet Johansson, compared to the beauty of Michelle. It was at this point that the producers slipped into the house and stole the keys to Verne's mobility scooter and started barricading the diary room door. Verne remains the [1.61] favourite.

It's a live eviction show tonight and The Mirror have leaked the names of the nominated contestants. According to The Mirror, Ulrika and Coolio are up for eviction and now that Piers Morgan no longer edits the paper, we can probably believe them.

Ulrika is now [3.0] to be evicted, with Coolio the [1.65] favourite. If Coolio leaves, we will be left with a very quiet and boring house, so I implore all of my loyal readers (which is basically just my wife, but she did promise to love, honour and obey) to keep my favourite rapper in the house. I leave you with a quote from the great man that will hopefully influence your voting.

"I'd rather be loved than feared." Amen. Get ready to dial. As they say on Shooting Stars, we really want to see them fingers.