Betfair Official Blog

Don't Feed the Animals

Sitting at home, playing poker on your own... A pretty rhyme and certainly a convenient pastime, but you're never going to meet freaks if you don't put your trousers on and get out there. So says Matt Broughton...

I've probably said this so many times over the last two years that it's becoming more farcical with each utterance, but I REALLY want to play more live poker.
I recently picked up a sponsorship deal that evaporated almost before it had begun when the company decided to pull out of the industry (I'm only 90% this departure wasn't my fault).
Anyway, before the wheelbarrow of cash trundled off into the distance I managed to be late for two of the staked tournaments (before the law changed to allow late appearances!) made the final table bubble in another comp, and - as I write - am days away from playing in the last of my sponsored games. I'm so glad I have a garage filled with branded T-shirts.
The key point here thought is not about the sponsorship (I just needed to get it off my chest) but about the joys of playing in live games. Yes, it helps develop your game; yes, it helps you develop your reading skills; yes, it's a more social ways to approach the game. Yes, yes, yes...
However, what I'd like to concern myself with today is the fact that playing live poker allows you to meet the freaks. Smelly, stupid, egotistical, bullying, know-nothing morons who play a £10 sit and go like it's the WSOP and are more than happy to pretend they're Tony G when it comes to slagging you off for calling their minimum raise with 8-8, hitting trips and cracking their pocket rockets.
I recently found myself in a £20 afternoon freeze-out at one of London's better-known card rooms. Things were improved by the fact that a fellow journalist and keen (and decent) poker player was sat to my right, so I could at least enjoy his company (as well as re-raise him for chuckles every time he tried to enter the pot.)
We sat, examined our table chums... and BOY had we struck gold! I kid you not, it was like the poker zoo was in town and they'd all stopped at our table to graze.

Exhibit A: The Donkey.
He handled his chips like they were oversized carrots and, when he accidentally made an under-bet, was told by a friendly player 'it needs to be at least double the previous bet'. The donkey looked insulted. "Yes," he honked, "I DO know how to bet". He then proceeded to prove otherwise by calling a raise and a re-raise for all his chips with that monster of hands A-Q offsuit (I, incidentally, folded before him with AhQh, so his chances were 'slim' at best). As he trotted off sans chips I wondered if he even knew how to spell 'Bet' let alone how to do it.

Exhibit B: The Ape
This physically large specimen was all over the table like a hairy rash. Tidying pots, stacking chips, sorting out side-pots that didn't involve him... he didn't care what it was; he was in charge of it. At one point I needed a wee and was worried he'd come down with me to ensure all was ship-shape in the trouser department.
He'd routinely pretend to be Thomas Kremser, spouting rules based loosely on the actual rules, but displaying none of the authority, poise, or actual knowledge required to take over a table in such a way. He was also the master of calling your hand, and even after 10 or so miserable failures, was still more than happy to announce "Jacks" with all the certainty of a man telling you how many feet he had, regardless of the 7-8 in your hand. When he was finally out of the game, he was able to tell us all in explicit detail exactly why it was his fault for playing too well against such ill-equipped competition. Whatever. We didn't care. We had all his hairy chips in our stacks.

Exhibit C: The Peacock
A magnificent puffed-up prancing cock, with his glorious tail feathers on display for all to see. He was a hardcore poker pro who'd obviously been there, seen that, and played poker for more years than you've had hot dinners (sonny). He even knew a chip trick. Yes, 'a chip trick'. The only problem was that he had to bring his own 'special' chip (that his mum probably made for him) in order to do this trick, making it somehow less special, and also that much more sad. Oh, and he also had a lucky stone that protected his cards. Seriously, this boy was well kitted out for a £20 freeze-out. If he could have afforded to bring a masseuse to the room I'm pretty sure she would have been there; reluctantly squeezing his fat bonce while he played with his little pebble.
When my chum raised into his big blind, the peacock stared him down and drawled, "the next time you raise my big blind I'm going all-in blind". I don't think our roaring, table-slapping, howling laughter and five minute micky-take was quite the effect he'd hoped for, but it certainly made our day. He even stood up and put his jacket on every time he went all-in with the absolute nuts. Brilliant. Just brilliant.

Anyway, you get the idea. Don't sit at home enjoying poker, get out and enjoy people. Some of them are quite decent folk, and some of them are bloody hilarious. Happy hunting.

Matt Broughton is Editor of Flush Magazine, and part of the expert presenting team on Sky Poker.

• Poker