Bloggers / Matt Broughton / 17 June 2008 / Leave a comment

Cower in fear. Matt Broughton's brain has burst open and the yolk's on you!

Anyone who's ever visited my own 'never-weird or irrelevant' online blog (www.thewasterblog.blogspot.com) will perhaps be familiar with my legendary 'little blue book'.
Said object was a tiny blue pad that came with me everywhere; capturing every sarcastic thought and pointless observation that passed through my tiny mind as I went about my moribund life.

Apart from ensuring I never forgot any 'hilarious' incidents that happened to me, it was also handy for making people uncomfortable at the poker table. Indeed, as soon as the little blue book was out in the open, people started being nice to me just in case they featured in some massively-embellished near-fictional anecdote in the near future.

Sadly the little blue book was involved in a washing machine incident that managed to wipe out a year's worth of random thoughts. A small pink book was quickly brought in to replace the little blue book, but things were never quite the same again.

Thankfully technology stepped in to save the day in the form of a new mobile phone. The previous phone was - to be honest - on its last legs, and its death was quick and painless: it just stopped working one day without any prior notice or signs of illness. Apart from the 'slight' inconvenience of losing four year's worth of contacts, photos, and passwords, I was actually relieved to see it go (It's brick-like dimensions were frankly becoming an embarrassment).
So why was this new phone so good? Well because it doubled-up as a Dictaphone. The only problem now was that I needed to remember to actually ever listen back to the recordings to find out what it was that I thought was so brilliant that it needed recording in the first place!
Which brings me (finally!) to my destination; remembering to listen back, and finding a bunch of random jabberings just waiting to be vomited onto a page document for your general enjoyment (nay endurement - which IS a real word. Well it is now...)

For your comfort and delight I'll use a sub-heading to make it clear where one stream of numskull thought ends and the next begins, starting with...

DOWN THE PUB

On occasion my laziness stretches to the point where not only can't I be arsed to spend an hour on the tube to the Loose Cannon, but I can't even be bothered to drive 15 minutes to my nearest card room in Greys. So, what's a freak to do of an evening if poker's on his mind? Well worry yea not madam; there's a £5 game down the local Hogshead where they throw in a bowl of curly fries for free. Huzzah!
As always, the players are far more interesting than the game itself, so it's no real surprise to find that most of my notes are nothing to do with the poker.
The first victim of my phone notation is 'Mr Blatant Liar'. An opponent asks of him: "If I fold, will you show?" Mr Blatant agrees, and then immediately mucks his cards as soon as his opponent folds. It's brilliant to watch frankly. The poor sucker yelps like a wounded animal and spins round to call for the floor manager... and then remembers he's sitting in the back of a pub. D'oh. Curley fries anyone?
Next up for character assassination is some poor soul who appears to suffer from Poker Tourettes: he'll fold his hand, only to blurt out "I had Queen Ten!" Really? Thanks for the free info you nut job...
And finally: Mr 'Enigma'. Like a machine that speaks in near-undecipherable code, Mr E will throw his cards into the muck, but then offer up 'subtle' clues as to his discards. "There goes Doyle" or "those snowmen are no good to me now" or "bye bye little ducks". All pointless, all not clever, and all very handy if you're still in the hand and want to know what cards are dead. I love pub poker!

WATCH THIS SPACE

Not an actual subhead, but the realisation that I took so long explaining what I was going to do that I didn't leave much room for the stories themselves! The good news (or bad news depending upon your point of view) is that I'll be back soon with more guff for you to enjoy. Be seeing you...