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The Perfect Punter - Week 21: The twelve days of Paulo Barreto (reflecting on what we've learnt)
European Leagues
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Perfect Punter /
23 December 2009 /
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Paulo Barreto celebrates but there have been as many moments of frustration involving this man as there have of glory
"Don’t listen to people who pretend to know, only those who really do. NEVER bet when you’re hungover, aim to become as close to the opposite of pissed as you can, even if it does mean getting far too close to pensioners."
Dave Farrar pays a special Christmas homage to Bari's beautifully inconsistent Paulo Barreto whilst recalling what the first 21 weeks of trying to be the Perfect Punter have taught us so far.
Determined as I was not to do anything particularly festive in the final Perfect Punter before Christmas, I've caved in to the inexplicable bonhomie that surrounds this time of year and thought that now might be a good time to remind myself of the twelve golden rules that I've learned on this journey so far.
Not the Twelve Days of Christmas, but the Twelve Rules of Punting. Oh yes, my imagination knows no bounds. As those of you who read my column two weeks ago will know, I don't have a true love, and so my muse will have to be the footballer that I love and hate in equal measure for what he has given and taken away this season so far. Take a bow, Paulo Barreto of Bari.
On the First Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
A Patrick Veitch biography
On the Second Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Third Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Fourth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Fifth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Sixth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Seventh Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Eighth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Eight gits a spouting
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Ninth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Nine Paulos dancing
Eight gits a spouting
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Tenth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Ten Well Chiefs climbing
Nine Paulos dancing
Eight gits a spouting
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Eleventh Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Eleven Razors slicing
Ten Well Chiefs climbing
Nine Paulos dancing
Eight gits a spouting
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
On the Twelfth Day of Christmas, Barreto sent to me:
Twelve honest sportsmen
Eleven razors slicing
Ten Well Chiefs climbing
Nine Paulos dancing
Eight gits a spouting
Seven Eddies drinking
Six Grannies stretching
Five Straight Lines
Four final thirds
Three honest pens
Two Skrtel shoves
And a Patrick Veitch biography
So, in twelve nutshells, the Christmas message reads like this. Do your best to get into the mind of the sportsmen that you're betting on, cut away all of the information that's irrelevant to your bet, trust the rule about horses for courses, and choose the sportrsmen that you'll NEVER trust whatever the circumstances. Don't listen to people who pretend to know, only those who really do. NEVER bet when you're hungover, aim to become as close to the opposite of pissed as you can, even if it does mean getting far too close to pensioners.
Remember the five lines of Gary O'Reilly and Pablo Picasso, look for quality in the final third if you're betting on over 2.5 goals. Write every bet down, win or lose, and be honest with yourself about it, don't back Liverpool to win ANYTHING for as long as Benitez is coach and their team looks shorn of confidence, and finally, do yourself a favour in the New Year and buy Enemy Number One by Patrick Veitch. It will teach you more about punting than anything ever has. And finally, Happy Christmas, and here's hoping for a profitable New Year.
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