Winner Stays On: Conspiracy theories and chaos theory

Winner Stays On / Jamie "The Pacman" Pacheco / 25 March 2011 / Leave a Comment

"David Cameron, himself a keen cyclist, sees If Only as his natural successor when he decides to call it a day and support of his recommendation is unanimous. If Only becomes Prime Minister."

The consequences of If Only's incredibly fortunate win last week could end up being disastrous. Read on to find out why.

Here at Betfair Towers we don't really believe in conspiracy theories. As far as we're concerned they're just wacky ideas of a conspiratorial nature envisaged by paranoid people with far too much time on their hands.

But when the CEO of Winner Stays On (that would be me) received a phonecall during his roast goose dinner last Saturday from a very anxious stammering minion, he wasn't amused. Firstly, because tepid goose isn't as tasty as warm goose and secondly because of the nature of the phonecall.

There had been a 90th minute goal in Iraklios v Panionios that had resulted in a draw, which in turn resulted in persona non grata If Only winning Winner Stays On (WSO) for a seventh successive week as a result of that scoreline. Was it just a stroke of luck that had saved him? We weren't so sure so carried out a full-on investigation into the matter and asked our crack team made up of analysts, researchers, psychologists, Uri Geller, soothsayers and an advisor to the Slovakian Minister of Finance to try to predict what the consequences of that goal would be. This is what they came up with.

If Only wins WSO for a tenth time and is rewarded with another £100. Here at Betfair a vacancy pops up for a consultant on European football and someone remembers that If Only was pretty knowledgeable on that after becoming the first 10-time winner and he's told he's the right candidate- he accepts the role.

A few months into his Betfair career a position becomes available at the Gambling Commission for an expert on football betting who has experience of working for a major bookmaker. A member of the Board at the Gambling Commission (who happens to be the uncle of Paul Robinson) recalls his nephew telling him about If Only and how he was the sole contestant to have enjoyed more success than him at WSO. With If Only's recent experience of working for Betfair allied to his reputation as a master of football tipping competitions, he's offered the job.

A couple of months later the Minister For Sport resigns in protest at Niklas Bendtner being awarded three bonus points in Fantasy Football after Arsenal's 1-0 win over Manchester United in the Premier League in which the Dane poked in the winner from three yards. David Cameron decides that the new Minister Of Sport must have a strong background in the organisation of sporting competitions because the Olympics are coming up as well as experience of working for a governmental body, or something similar. A senior member of the Cabinet who is a huge betting.betfair fan recalls someone who was a great winner of sporting competitions after following If Only's WSO success and asks if that is a transferable skill. David Cameron says it's fine and If Only is appointed Minister For Sport.

The Olympics are a huge success and If Only is recognised as the brains behind the whole operation. He's given credit for having won the bid to start with and for Team GB picking up every gold medal going in the cycling events; apparently If Only once mentioned he used to cycle to work.

David Cameron, himself a keen cyclist, sees If Only as his natural successor when he decides to call it a day and after a vote on whether If Only is the best candidate, the decison is unanimous. If Only becomes Prime Minister. If Only needs a worthy number two to become Deputy Prime Minister and decides that as the second most successful contestant of WSO, Paul Robinson is the right guy for the job. Paul Robinson is appointed.

Please don't let this happen. Please knock out If Only. For a shot at playing WSO send an e-mail to winnerstayson@betfair.com stating which name you'd like to play under.

This week's matches

Slovenia v Italy
Norway v Denmark
Bulgaria v Switzerland

If Only's selections:

Slovenia v Italy - Back Italy to score 2 goals or more at 2.66
Norway v Denmark - Back Under 2.5 goals at 1.72
Bulgaria v Swizerland - Back Bulgaria/Bulgaria at 4.9

FFormigal's selections

Slovenia v Italy - Back Italy to win at 2.36
Norway v Denmark - Back Norway to win 2-1 at 11.0
Bulgaria v Switzerland - Half time/Full time Bulgaria/Bulgaria at 4.9