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Pacman to the point

Why I hate the FA Cup

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Jamie "The Pacman" Pacheco on why you can bet your life that he won't be talking about the romance of the FA Cup....

There are but two types of human beings that can hibernate over the course of a weekend. Ok, a weekend isn't exactly hibernation as such but I'm sure if given the chance these two types of people would happily sleep the whole of the winter away. I am of course talking about surly teenagers and students and I'm happy to admit I have been both. As a teenager, I justified sleeping till 2 in the afternoon at weekends on such things as tiredness as a result of growing, hormones and the emotional distress of just being a teenager. As a student I blamed endless hours under the sheets on the pressures of studying for a degree and the stress of sitting life-changing final exams. Pressure? Stress? Of what? Deciding whether to go to lectures or not? Whether to watch Countdown or Family Affairs?

It's a crying shame I wasn't in a position to go back into hibernation again this weekend. The reason is that it would have allowed me to hide from my most hated weekend of the year: that of the third round of the FA Cup. That's right: I detest the FA Cup and in particular the third round as that's the one that possesses the greatest number of ingredients that make me hate the cup in the first place.

It's hardly surprising to hear an Everton fan show his dislike for the FA Cup after our performances in recent years. After winning it in back in 1995, we've had a torrid time in the competition and this year was no better, going out to Oldham at home having fielded what was virtually our first eleven. Believe it or not, I won't be having sleepless nights over that exit as I think we have bigger fish to fry, particularly as we're in the semis of the Carling Cup.

But no, Everton's early exit is by no means the reason I hate the competition. This is why:

Sequels just don't work - The Godfather Part II, Die Hard 2 and Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom are the only films in history in which the sequel was as good as the original. The FA Cup could learn a valuable lesson from this, have the tie decided on the day and scrap replays. The last thing a side like Tottenham (involved in four competitions at present) needs is a replay at Reading in what is already a highly congested fixture list. The advertising and TV money men have enough opportunities to fill their coffers without the extra matches and fans are being asked to pay out again to watch their team in the replay.

An excuse to talk in clichés - A friend of mine talks in film quotes, idiomatic expressions and clichés. A few years ago I made the mistake of spending third round day with him in front of the TV. Unsurprisingly, he missed out on very few opportunities to mention "potential banana skins", "giant-killing feats", "the romance of the Cup", "the stuff dreams are made of" and "the importance of your name still being in the draw come Monday". To this day I refuse to be anywhere near him during the first five rounds of the FA Cup.

Different year, same winners - Every June the world's top players make their annual pilgrimage to SW19, play on a surface most of them hate, watch the heavens open and sit around bored without knowing when they'll be back on and then watch Roger Federer walk away with the trophy. The FA Cup is no different. Every team in the land dreams of glory before one of the Big Four go on and win it. Well that's the way it's been for the past twelve editions and I have no reason to believe this year will be any different.

Leave professional football to the pros - I enjoy an alcohol-fuelled game of darts down the pub as much as the next man. But you don't see me rock up to the Alexander Palace in late December asking the likes of Phil Taylor and Wayne Mardle for a quick game in front of the Sky cameras. A bunch of plumbers and postmen by day turning out against a Premiership side is certainly one for their own scrap books but as a TV license payer I'd rather watch higher quality forms of entertainment.

John Motson - Carry On films, Bullseye, Rick Astley, roller discos and the yoyo. All examples of things that were great for their time but were rightly confined to the dustbins of history as time moves on. John Motson is a dinosaur of sports broadcasting who has had his day. His dress sense, mannerisms and comments have no place in the 21st Century and his overdue retirement is in everybody's interest.

So there you have it. For what it's worth I think Arsenal's ability to pass any side off the park will be enough to safely negotiate their passage through the first few rounds with minimum fuss and after that they'll bring out their big guns who should be able to beat anyone home or away. At [4.9] they look the bet but the less I watch of them or anyone else in this competition the better.