Paul Merson's mumblings and Jeff Stelling's next challenge

Football Food For Thought / Dan Fitch / 30 December 2008 / Leave a Comment

Dan "The Betting Man" Fitch considers the merits of Sky Sports Soccer Saturday anchor Jeff Stelling and panel members such as Paul Merson and speculates as to how the former may fare in his new role as Countdown presenter.

When a cult hit becomes a mainstream success, it's always a little sad for the fans who knew they were onto something special, long before the rest of the country caught up.

You're pleased when your idols make the transition from local celebrities to global stars, but you can't quite shake the contempt you have for those who have only just jumped upon the bandwagon.

Take all those elderly Scousers who saw The Beatles at the Cavern Club. How do you think they felt when the Fab Four were playing at Shea Stadium to thousands of people?

Football fans are about to go through the same harrowing ordeal, as everyone's favourite anchorman Jeff Stelling hits the big time in 2009 as the new host of Countdown. Let's just hope that Jeff doesn't hit it so big, that he leaves his berth as the host of Soccer Saturday.

If you're not at a match on a Saturday afternoon, being parked in front of Jeff and the boys is the next best place to be. Stelling's encyclopaedic football knowledge, combined with his dry wit and lightning fast presenting style, are what makes the show work.

Because let's face it, the show shouldn't work. The prospect of watching a bunch of ex-professionals staring goggle-eyed at TV monitors, with their somewhat limited powers of description being the only link between the audience and what is actually going on, does not sound particularly appealing.

Stelling makes it work by being the perfect counterbalance of professionalism, to the sheer amateurism of the panel. On the subject of the panellists, the majority of them should thank their lucky stars that Soccer Saturday exists, as most would struggle to find work elsewhere.

Soccer Saturday is like a care home for past stars, who aren't cut out for management and lack the powers of communication to be proper broadcasters. Paul Merson for example, can barely talk, let alone paint pictures with words.

Chris 'Unbelievable' Kamara, has profited the most from the success of Soccer Saturday. Looking like a Dutch porn star and unable to deliver a sentence without fumbling over his words, it is inconceivable that Kamara could have carved out a career at the BBC or ITV. Yet the former Bradford star has been able to make a virtue of his on-air haplessness and has become a cult star, in no small part due to the affectionate ribbing he receives from Stelling.

Phil Thompson is my favourite panellist, due to the fact that he feels the need to scream at the top of his voice, whenever the ball goes within 10 years of the goal. Like real football fans, when someone scores he gets so excited that he has no idea who has put the ball in the net. Thompson also makes no effort to hide his love for Liverpool and has probably lumped on his former club to win the Premier League at [3.8].

Stelling is a fan of unfashionable Hartlepool United and is also not shy to give them his support. Most famously he has taken to singing 'I Feel Good' whenever Hartlepool's James Brown scores a goal. Brown can currently be backed at [150.0] to be the League 1 top scorer.

His catchphrases are legendary. Whenever Arbroath's Kevin Webster scores, Jeff can be relied upon to quip "Sally will be pleased". If the Welsh team Total Network Solutions win, Stelling will invariably joke that 'They'll be dancing in the streets of Total Network Solutions tonight".

Such humour will be needed if Stelling is to win over the purple rinse brigade, when he becomes the host of Countdown. My Mother is a devotee of the show and is firmly against the appointment of Stelling, on the grounds that "he talks too fast". I've tried to explain to her that he won't need to talk as fast when presenting a painfully slow teatime quiz, as he does on Soccer Saturday when the results are flying in, but it's to no avail.

In truth, she's still getting over the death of Richard Whiteley. Though the original Countdown host seemed like a nice bloke, as a television presenter he made Messrs Merson and Kamara seem like masters of the English language. I'm sure that Jeff's charms will eventually win my Mum and the rest of the Countdown audience over. If she's honest, I think she'd admit that her main objection to him isn't the speed that he talks, but rather the amount of time my Dad spends watching him on a Saturday.

But don't get too fond Mum, because it's us who found Jeff first and we want our Saturdays to remain just the way they are. Although, if you fancy giving Paul Merson a permanent residence in Dictionary Corner...